The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
It was always you.
It was always you.
{ Marianne }
{ Past. }
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
July 2012
October 2012
January 2013
March 2013
July 2013
August 2013
January 2014
September 2014
January 2015
July 2015
{ Thursday, February 28, 2008 }
Today. Hmmmmmm.
I'm recalling things I shouldn't recall. Times we've had together. Things we did, things we said. The closeness of things. Shit. I'm far FAR from getting over you. I still love you I wont deny. We were something good. It was like THE turning point in my life. I was happy. Damn happy with you. Happier than anything in my life. I got my posting and I felt no joy. My mom literally jumped for joy but all I felt was "Okay, good. I got my first choice." But I still felt empty. It was really empty and it still is now. Sucks to be feeling this way. PY asked me at lunch. "Got over already?" And I told her "Never go and think about it" Which is BULLSHIT. I've been thinking about it the day it happened. I hate it that we went from super duper uber close to just colleagues. OH MAN. I miss you like MAD okay. I miss us. PLUS you're doing every single thing to make me jealous and I'm acting like I dont give a damn. ACTING.
sob story of my sad life.
Watch my life,
Pass me by,
In the rear view mirror
Pictures frozen in time
Are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes
Yeah...
[Chorus]
Cause I want you,
And I feel you,
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger,
Like a burning,
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken,
And I'm faded,
I'm half the man I thought I would be:
But you can have what's left of me
I've been dying inside,
Little by little,
No where to go,
But going out of my mind
In endless circles,
Running from my self until,
You gave me a reason for standing still
[Chorus]
Cause I want you,
And I feel you,
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger,
Like a burning,
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken,
And I'm faded,
I'm half the man I thought I would be:
But you can have what's left of me
It's falling faster,
Barely breathing,
Give me something,
To believe in
Tell me: It's not all in my head
Take what's left
Of this man
Make me whole
Once again
[Chorus]
Cause I want you,
And I feel you,
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger,
Like a burning,
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken,
And I'm faded,
I'm half the man I thought I would be:
But you can have what's left of me
I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm just running in circles all the time
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
Just running in circles in my mind
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
Why did you have to leave? Why did you have to set me free? Why did you have to go?
And it really doesnt help that my parents keep talking about you and asking me about you. Why you never walk me out, why we dont talk on the phone for hours anymore. Why this why that. Dont rub it in. It hurts alot. People tell me what you did was shit and that you treat me like shit and i should move on. But truth is, you were good to me. I know that. And I want to get over you it's just not happening at the moment. And your necklace still goes everywhere with me =/ Now all we do is have weird awkward talks and really weird exchanges of smiles. I really miss us. And you seem so fine after everything. Are you even hurt? Perhaps you're not. Perhaps I was right. Your expiry date came sooner than expected because you realised a manufacturing date for another. And so you leave me hanging.
Well, you cant lose what you never had. I never had you, so I cant lose you. You had me, you lost me and you dont seem to care.
I'm recalling things I shouldn't recall. Times we've had together. Things we did, things we said. The closeness of things. Shit. I'm far FAR from getting over you. I still love you I wont deny. We were something good. It was like THE turning point in my life. I was happy. Damn happy with you. Happier than anything in my life. I got my posting and I felt no joy. My mom literally jumped for joy but all I felt was "Okay, good. I got my first choice." But I still felt empty. It was really empty and it still is now. Sucks to be feeling this way. PY asked me at lunch. "Got over already?" And I told her "Never go and think about it" Which is BULLSHIT. I've been thinking about it the day it happened. I hate it that we went from super duper uber close to just colleagues. OH MAN. I miss you like MAD okay. I miss us. PLUS you're doing every single thing to make me jealous and I'm acting like I dont give a damn. ACTING.
sob story of my sad life.
Watch my life,
Pass me by,
In the rear view mirror
Pictures frozen in time
Are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes
Yeah...
[Chorus]
Cause I want you,
And I feel you,
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger,
Like a burning,
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken,
And I'm faded,
I'm half the man I thought I would be:
But you can have what's left of me
I've been dying inside,
Little by little,
No where to go,
But going out of my mind
In endless circles,
Running from my self until,
You gave me a reason for standing still
[Chorus]
Cause I want you,
And I feel you,
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger,
Like a burning,
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken,
And I'm faded,
I'm half the man I thought I would be:
But you can have what's left of me
It's falling faster,
Barely breathing,
Give me something,
To believe in
Tell me: It's not all in my head
Take what's left
Of this man
Make me whole
Once again
[Chorus]
Cause I want you,
And I feel you,
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger,
Like a burning,
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken,
And I'm faded,
I'm half the man I thought I would be:
But you can have what's left of me
I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm just running in circles all the time
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
Just running in circles in my mind
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
Why did you have to leave? Why did you have to set me free? Why did you have to go?
And it really doesnt help that my parents keep talking about you and asking me about you. Why you never walk me out, why we dont talk on the phone for hours anymore. Why this why that. Dont rub it in. It hurts alot. People tell me what you did was shit and that you treat me like shit and i should move on. But truth is, you were good to me. I know that. And I want to get over you it's just not happening at the moment. And your necklace still goes everywhere with me =/ Now all we do is have weird awkward talks and really weird exchanges of smiles. I really miss us. And you seem so fine after everything. Are you even hurt? Perhaps you're not. Perhaps I was right. Your expiry date came sooner than expected because you realised a manufacturing date for another. And so you leave me hanging.
Well, you cant lose what you never had. I never had you, so I cant lose you. You had me, you lost me and you dont seem to care.
{ fin }
{ Tuesday, February 26, 2008 }
Well, today really tried me. I was looking for a reason to be happy at work. I took the first bus without PY and without you. You got to office looking good dunno why also. New shirt. Mmhmm. Nice. As always. Then you somehow manage to totally and I mean TOTALLY ignore me. So I decided yes, today is the day I'm gonna ignore you totally. And I did. Only until the time where we walked past each other and you give me that 'Oh man' smile of your's.
Anyways, I DIDNT KNOW GOOD FRIENDS DONT BOTHER TO SAY BYE BYE TO ONE ANOTHER! Idiot. Perhaps you were too wrapped up with playing around with the other girls that you forgot your ex. How thoughtful. I know I shouldn't be bothered anymore. But I am. Well, this week should go by fast anyway. I'm on half day tomorrow. I overheard you're on halfday on friday so yayness :] Then after that would be 2 more weeks of work for me before I go tanning like everyday! Yea man. hahahaha! Okay, joking. But time for me to relax.
Today I was tried alot of times because I was feeling super duper ultra drained in every single way. Physically tired, emotionally tired and mentally tired. Sucks. Then I realised my RI bonus, I missed out a whole year and had to do the WHOLE thing all over again. Shit lah. So I black faced. I really felt like a failure okay. REALLY.
Well, one thing good. I had my hp with me and all my songs :) WOOTS. I veeted. So I'm no longer porcupined. I dont poke anymore not that it matters cos you wont be anywhere that close to me.
Another thing to be proud of myself. Remember I told you I eat alot more when I'm sad or angry? Well, yea. You probably dont even recall such a conversation. Anyway, yea. I eat more when I'm sad and depressed. I binged! ALOT this whole week. And the last. I eat ALOT okay seriously. More than my brother. And he's in the army. MAN. BUT BUT BUT BUT you know what? I'm still 45kg! hahahha! WOOTS. I love my metabolism rate luh! It's like I can be a pig and no fats are churned out. Now I can binge without worrying.
SHOPPING TOMORROW! I CANT WAIT! Although it's with my mom but nevermind. I dont care. I'm dragging her to wherever I wanna go. LOL. Get 2 more skinnys, maybe another skirt and definitely a sweater. What's te right word for it? Starts with a C. I forgot the name for it. Shit. hahaha! I'm hungry. Right now. After eating 2 kit kat bars.
I emo-ed and poured out all my feelings for you to hui mui last night. LOL. So embarrassing. I was close to tears. Oh well. I JUST GOT INVITED TO S28'S CLASS OUTING! OMG I SO LOVE THEM SO NICE RIGHT. i'M NOT EVEN IN THE CLASS ANYMORE BUT THEY STILL INCLUDE ME IN EVERYTHING! I sooooooooooooooo love them and miss them like crazy!
First act I wake to find the hope,
To see you simply staring back at me.
But still there's only emptiness calling,
To break the dream I once believed.
Now I'm scared that this reality,
Is much too heavy for me.
I'm too weak to be strong,
I can't be the only one.
Holding on till the day you find me.
So meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end,
The end of the world.
Meet me... at the end... of the world.
You found the place I hide within,
Like you see right through my skin,
And my heart
To see I'm hoplessly wishing.
You can forgive all my mistakes,
Take them back and just erase all the,
Wrong and let our future get brighter.
I'm too weak to be strong,
I can't be the only one.
Holding on till the day you find me.
So meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end,
The end of the world.
Meet me... at the end... of the world.
Till these shadows disappear,
I still wait to find you here.
Still I'm haunted from the moment
I feared... Oh
Never forget what it's like,
To surrender in your eyes.
Holding on till the day you find me.
So meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end,
The end of the world.
Meet me... at the end... of the world
Let me go will you? I think I'm the best actress on earth. I act so oblivious to what you're doing when I take notice of every step you make. Everyday is just another play to act out. Different scenes, same actors and same plot. Everyday I act like I'm fine and enjoying life after the break up but yet inside it hurts. You've been fine, I've been bleeding. And I keep having this scene where I see you with some other girl in the office. Is my brain going mad or what. I still have the feeling that you left me for another. But I refuse to believe you're such a lowdown person cos I told my twin you're the 5%. And I really believed.
If you'd ever hear my plea, please, dont leave.
Anyways, I DIDNT KNOW GOOD FRIENDS DONT BOTHER TO SAY BYE BYE TO ONE ANOTHER! Idiot. Perhaps you were too wrapped up with playing around with the other girls that you forgot your ex. How thoughtful. I know I shouldn't be bothered anymore. But I am. Well, this week should go by fast anyway. I'm on half day tomorrow. I overheard you're on halfday on friday so yayness :] Then after that would be 2 more weeks of work for me before I go tanning like everyday! Yea man. hahahaha! Okay, joking. But time for me to relax.
Today I was tried alot of times because I was feeling super duper ultra drained in every single way. Physically tired, emotionally tired and mentally tired. Sucks. Then I realised my RI bonus, I missed out a whole year and had to do the WHOLE thing all over again. Shit lah. So I black faced. I really felt like a failure okay. REALLY.
Well, one thing good. I had my hp with me and all my songs :) WOOTS. I veeted. So I'm no longer porcupined. I dont poke anymore not that it matters cos you wont be anywhere that close to me.
Another thing to be proud of myself. Remember I told you I eat alot more when I'm sad or angry? Well, yea. You probably dont even recall such a conversation. Anyway, yea. I eat more when I'm sad and depressed. I binged! ALOT this whole week. And the last. I eat ALOT okay seriously. More than my brother. And he's in the army. MAN. BUT BUT BUT BUT you know what? I'm still 45kg! hahahha! WOOTS. I love my metabolism rate luh! It's like I can be a pig and no fats are churned out. Now I can binge without worrying.
SHOPPING TOMORROW! I CANT WAIT! Although it's with my mom but nevermind. I dont care. I'm dragging her to wherever I wanna go. LOL. Get 2 more skinnys, maybe another skirt and definitely a sweater. What's te right word for it? Starts with a C. I forgot the name for it. Shit. hahaha! I'm hungry. Right now. After eating 2 kit kat bars.
I emo-ed and poured out all my feelings for you to hui mui last night. LOL. So embarrassing. I was close to tears. Oh well. I JUST GOT INVITED TO S28'S CLASS OUTING! OMG I SO LOVE THEM SO NICE RIGHT. i'M NOT EVEN IN THE CLASS ANYMORE BUT THEY STILL INCLUDE ME IN EVERYTHING! I sooooooooooooooo love them and miss them like crazy!
First act I wake to find the hope,
To see you simply staring back at me.
But still there's only emptiness calling,
To break the dream I once believed.
Now I'm scared that this reality,
Is much too heavy for me.
I'm too weak to be strong,
I can't be the only one.
Holding on till the day you find me.
So meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end,
The end of the world.
Meet me... at the end... of the world.
You found the place I hide within,
Like you see right through my skin,
And my heart
To see I'm hoplessly wishing.
You can forgive all my mistakes,
Take them back and just erase all the,
Wrong and let our future get brighter.
I'm too weak to be strong,
I can't be the only one.
Holding on till the day you find me.
So meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end,
The end of the world.
Meet me... at the end... of the world.
Till these shadows disappear,
I still wait to find you here.
Still I'm haunted from the moment
I feared... Oh
Never forget what it's like,
To surrender in your eyes.
Holding on till the day you find me.
So meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end,
The end of the world.
Meet me... at the end... of the world
Let me go will you? I think I'm the best actress on earth. I act so oblivious to what you're doing when I take notice of every step you make. Everyday is just another play to act out. Different scenes, same actors and same plot. Everyday I act like I'm fine and enjoying life after the break up but yet inside it hurts. You've been fine, I've been bleeding. And I keep having this scene where I see you with some other girl in the office. Is my brain going mad or what. I still have the feeling that you left me for another. But I refuse to believe you're such a lowdown person cos I told my twin you're the 5%. And I really believed.
If you'd ever hear my plea, please, dont leave.
{ fin }
{ Monday, February 25, 2008 }
Oh man, what a day.
Morning was great. You even offered to feed me your food. And we sat on the bus together and even talked a little. Acted like normal human beings. Anyways, so we got to office. I even rolled my eyes at you. HAHA. Stupid right. Shit you. Can you look a little uglier. Idiot.
Then throughout the day we were still okay. Then came after work. You looked pissed that I'm on the phone. Hello, I'm not your's anymore right? So you shouldn't be jealous. I can do what I like. Or maybe you're just pissed cos I look fine after the breakup. LOL. I'm not. Definitely not. The only reason why I'm always on the phone nowadays is because of the breakup. Because I need to talk to someone to let out my confusion, frustration, whatever.
Oh man. I dont know. I still miss you like shit. If you're waiting for me to ask for us to patch up, dream on. Either you ask or nothing's gonna happen. You have your pride, I have mine.
So, tomorrow! I shall book tickets to watch SONDRE LERCHE! It's on the last day of my work so that's a great excuse. (: Oh yea, I told you about my last day. YW ask me to stay till end of march but I made excuses and I looked at you. You know exactly why I'm leaving early. If I could I would have quit straight after everything happened. OH MY GOODNESS. I'm far from over you am I? hahaha. Sucks to be me.
First act I wake to find the hope,
To see you simply staring back at me.
But still there's only emptiness calling,
To break the dream I once believed.
Now I'm scared that this reality,
Is much too heavy for me.
I'm too weak to be strong,
I can't be the only one.
Holding on till the day you find me.
So meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end,
The end of the world.
Meet me... at the end... of the world.
You found the place I hide within,
Like you see right through my skin,
And my heart
To see I'm hoplessly wishing.
You can forgive all my mistakes,
Take them back and just erase all the,
Wrong and let our future get brighter.
I'm too weak to be strong,
I can't be the only one.
Holding on till the day you find me.
So meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end,
The end of the world.
Meet me... at the end... of the world.
Till these shadows disappear,
I still wait to find you here.
Still I'm haunted from the moment
I feared... Oh
Never forget what it's like,
To surrender in your eyes.
Holding on till the day you find me.
So meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end,
The end of the world.
Meet me... at the end... of the world
I still miss you =/ I miss us more more! Shit. I'm far from getting over you.
Morning was great. You even offered to feed me your food. And we sat on the bus together and even talked a little. Acted like normal human beings. Anyways, so we got to office. I even rolled my eyes at you. HAHA. Stupid right. Shit you. Can you look a little uglier. Idiot.
Then throughout the day we were still okay. Then came after work. You looked pissed that I'm on the phone. Hello, I'm not your's anymore right? So you shouldn't be jealous. I can do what I like. Or maybe you're just pissed cos I look fine after the breakup. LOL. I'm not. Definitely not. The only reason why I'm always on the phone nowadays is because of the breakup. Because I need to talk to someone to let out my confusion, frustration, whatever.
Oh man. I dont know. I still miss you like shit. If you're waiting for me to ask for us to patch up, dream on. Either you ask or nothing's gonna happen. You have your pride, I have mine.
So, tomorrow! I shall book tickets to watch SONDRE LERCHE! It's on the last day of my work so that's a great excuse. (: Oh yea, I told you about my last day. YW ask me to stay till end of march but I made excuses and I looked at you. You know exactly why I'm leaving early. If I could I would have quit straight after everything happened. OH MY GOODNESS. I'm far from over you am I? hahaha. Sucks to be me.
First act I wake to find the hope,
To see you simply staring back at me.
But still there's only emptiness calling,
To break the dream I once believed.
Now I'm scared that this reality,
Is much too heavy for me.
I'm too weak to be strong,
I can't be the only one.
Holding on till the day you find me.
So meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end,
The end of the world.
Meet me... at the end... of the world.
You found the place I hide within,
Like you see right through my skin,
And my heart
To see I'm hoplessly wishing.
You can forgive all my mistakes,
Take them back and just erase all the,
Wrong and let our future get brighter.
I'm too weak to be strong,
I can't be the only one.
Holding on till the day you find me.
So meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end,
The end of the world.
Meet me... at the end... of the world.
Till these shadows disappear,
I still wait to find you here.
Still I'm haunted from the moment
I feared... Oh
Never forget what it's like,
To surrender in your eyes.
Holding on till the day you find me.
So meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end of the world,
I'm waiting.
Meet me at the end of the world,
Please save me.
This could be the place where we start,
The rest of our lives.
Meet me at the end,
The end of the world.
Meet me... at the end... of the world
I still miss you =/ I miss us more more! Shit. I'm far from getting over you.
{ fin }
{ Sunday, February 24, 2008 }
Did I mention I'm refusing to get depressed?
I deleted all the messages today. It hurts lah but I know if I ever want to get over you like ASAP I'm going to have to do that sooner or later. Today, I stayed sober and un-depressed for SIEWYI's sake. She sent me this really ultra super nice message and I told her for her sake I'm going to be alright. Going to church always helps. I know what route I have to take now. What I really want now is to just focus on adjusting to poly life and study hard. I'm moving on. REALLY. I'll hurt but like I said once I've hurt fully I should recover after that.
So today is a good day I guess. haha. At least I got through the day (: I'm really not interested in work anymore. haha! So I got a date with my mom on wednesday. HALFDAY FOR ME! Yayness! XD Gonna buy new clothes because I'm gonna need LOADS in poly okay. LOL. Attract guys, lecturers and bungs. OMG. I'm freaking kidding. I'm going to be a nerd in poly and get good good grades. I CANNOT waste another shitty year over relationships and stuff. See, my plan now is to stop looking for love and let love find me.
OH YES. I thanked God today for giving amazing friends. REALLY. I feel that I've got loads of great friends who are so concerened for me and constantly trying to cheer me up :) Thanks to everyone who tried, it worked. I'm cheerful as can be now. I love you guys loads!!!!
So I am leaving Maybank in 2 weeks time. Please remind me to bring my camera on the last day! I MUST have a picture with every single person! haha. Most anyways. It's kind of sad to leave after staying on for so long. But I guess, it's time to move on. Life doesnt stop after a break up.
YES. I have a new phone!!!!!!!! Samsung (mmhmm, again) F330 live loud edition :) Love it can. Now I'm just waiting for my 2GB sd card then can load like millions of songs into my phone! YAYNESS. Cant you feel the optimism radiating from me in this post? hahaha! You haven seen this Marianne in a while have you? Oh wells. Yani wants gummies. So I have to go Vivo again soon :]
I really want to move on. But now I'm doubtful about whether I'm gonna go back to what I was or I'm going to stay this way. LOL. I remembered before we got together you said "You better stay your straight way lah." hahaha. Yea, now I dont know if I can go back to my straight ways. But yea, there's quite a bit to take from this relationship I guess. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have bought that skirt and thus would never have found that its okay to wear short skirts. LOL. You taught me a few things I guess. Un-kukunise me. HAHA. Yes, this word is created by me for us. In remembrance I guess. So I really feel like its okay to close this chapter of my life now :) It's always gonna be fond memories I guess looking back on this relationship. Cos it's short but so much happened in the time we were together. haha. So yea, great friends we'll always be (: After all, your birthday is only 10 days after mine. HAHAHAHA! RANDOM! Yea. I cant believe you're older than me still. I always feel like you're younger. Because you're childish like anything. Well, we were great friends we'll be great friends. I know we can be.
I've been walking around
Inside a haze
Between the lines of reason
Hiding from the ghost
Of yesterday
Feels like I'm barely breathing
[Chorus:]
I-I wanna feel the rain again
I-I wanna feel the water on my skin
And let it all just wash away In a downpour
I wanna feel the rain
Na na na na
Feel the rain
Na na na na
I've been losin days
The shades pulled down
I still can't face the sun
But I-I'm goin crazy
I can't stay here
I've gone completely numb
I just wanna need someone
[Chorus:]
I-I wanna feel the rain again
I-I wanna feel the water on my skin
And let it all just wash away In a downpour
I wanna feel the rain
Na na na na
Feel the rain
Na na na na
Oh no
I thought you were the only one girl
But now I think I was wrong
Cause life goes on
Na na na na na...
I've been walking around inside a haze
Oh I...
[Chorus:]
I-I wanna feel the rain again
I-I wanna feel the water on my skin
And let it all just wash away In a downpour
I wanna feel the rain
Na na na na
Feel the rain
Na na na na
In a downpour feel the rain
Feel the rain
I wanna feel the rain
The damage has all been done. Let the hurt come and then the release and closure will come later I guess (: Feeling optimistic now. 2 more weeks, make it happy!
I deleted all the messages today. It hurts lah but I know if I ever want to get over you like ASAP I'm going to have to do that sooner or later. Today, I stayed sober and un-depressed for SIEWYI's sake. She sent me this really ultra super nice message and I told her for her sake I'm going to be alright. Going to church always helps. I know what route I have to take now. What I really want now is to just focus on adjusting to poly life and study hard. I'm moving on. REALLY. I'll hurt but like I said once I've hurt fully I should recover after that.
So today is a good day I guess. haha. At least I got through the day (: I'm really not interested in work anymore. haha! So I got a date with my mom on wednesday. HALFDAY FOR ME! Yayness! XD Gonna buy new clothes because I'm gonna need LOADS in poly okay. LOL. Attract guys, lecturers and bungs. OMG. I'm freaking kidding. I'm going to be a nerd in poly and get good good grades. I CANNOT waste another shitty year over relationships and stuff. See, my plan now is to stop looking for love and let love find me.
OH YES. I thanked God today for giving amazing friends. REALLY. I feel that I've got loads of great friends who are so concerened for me and constantly trying to cheer me up :) Thanks to everyone who tried, it worked. I'm cheerful as can be now. I love you guys loads!!!!
So I am leaving Maybank in 2 weeks time. Please remind me to bring my camera on the last day! I MUST have a picture with every single person! haha. Most anyways. It's kind of sad to leave after staying on for so long. But I guess, it's time to move on. Life doesnt stop after a break up.
YES. I have a new phone!!!!!!!! Samsung (mmhmm, again) F330 live loud edition :) Love it can. Now I'm just waiting for my 2GB sd card then can load like millions of songs into my phone! YAYNESS. Cant you feel the optimism radiating from me in this post? hahaha! You haven seen this Marianne in a while have you? Oh wells. Yani wants gummies. So I have to go Vivo again soon :]
I really want to move on. But now I'm doubtful about whether I'm gonna go back to what I was or I'm going to stay this way. LOL. I remembered before we got together you said "You better stay your straight way lah." hahaha. Yea, now I dont know if I can go back to my straight ways. But yea, there's quite a bit to take from this relationship I guess. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have bought that skirt and thus would never have found that its okay to wear short skirts. LOL. You taught me a few things I guess. Un-kukunise me. HAHA. Yes, this word is created by me for us. In remembrance I guess. So I really feel like its okay to close this chapter of my life now :) It's always gonna be fond memories I guess looking back on this relationship. Cos it's short but so much happened in the time we were together. haha. So yea, great friends we'll always be (: After all, your birthday is only 10 days after mine. HAHAHAHA! RANDOM! Yea. I cant believe you're older than me still. I always feel like you're younger. Because you're childish like anything. Well, we were great friends we'll be great friends. I know we can be.
I've been walking around
Inside a haze
Between the lines of reason
Hiding from the ghost
Of yesterday
Feels like I'm barely breathing
[Chorus:]
I-I wanna feel the rain again
I-I wanna feel the water on my skin
And let it all just wash away In a downpour
I wanna feel the rain
Na na na na
Feel the rain
Na na na na
I've been losin days
The shades pulled down
I still can't face the sun
But I-I'm goin crazy
I can't stay here
I've gone completely numb
I just wanna need someone
[Chorus:]
I-I wanna feel the rain again
I-I wanna feel the water on my skin
And let it all just wash away In a downpour
I wanna feel the rain
Na na na na
Feel the rain
Na na na na
Oh no
I thought you were the only one girl
But now I think I was wrong
Cause life goes on
Na na na na na...
I've been walking around inside a haze
Oh I...
[Chorus:]
I-I wanna feel the rain again
I-I wanna feel the water on my skin
And let it all just wash away In a downpour
I wanna feel the rain
Na na na na
Feel the rain
Na na na na
In a downpour feel the rain
Feel the rain
I wanna feel the rain
The damage has all been done. Let the hurt come and then the release and closure will come later I guess (: Feeling optimistic now. 2 more weeks, make it happy!
{ fin }
{ Saturday, February 23, 2008 }
Well, what's going on in my life. Not much. Perhaps some days I make it through, some days I dont. But BUT I'm refusing to sink into depression. HAHA.
Anyways, yesterday at work was pretty much okay I guess. We're getting more and more normal. Perhaps I was a little messed up cos you HAD to send me some random message to say goodnight -.- Yes, messed me up quite a bit. So in office I tried to be as normal as I can. And I think I suceeded thanks to twin on the phone XD heard "That Justin guy again?" Whatever.
Last night went to church!! For Fish Fry and meeting with Father John Wong. Basically, it was alright. Got a little boring halfway through XD Then me, twin and geraldine went off to Alif's for supper! Oooh yea. Then we bought our alcoholic drinks and walked from Swiss Cottage back to my house while drinking alcohol XD Okay, it was only bacardi breezers. But still. It was a nice walk. And I wished I could have walked it with you. OH NO. Depression. hahaha! Well, I mean it. Perhaps you could walk your next girlfriend there man. OH SHIT. Ouch. Hurt myself. hahah. And then we walked for quite a long time and er...dunno why but I started repeating your name over and over again. LOL. I just miss you can. So I went home and I seriously plopped onto my bed and fell dead asleep. DEAD.
I awoke this morning feeling BAD. Then I had plans to meet SIEWYI!!!!!!!!!! That little girl. And HM for bugis shopping after that but who knows. I meet SIEWYI pass her the uniform. Yes, mine! And then went home only to find out that I need to go my aunty's house -.- So had to cancel!!!!!!!!! OMG. So depressing okay. Then dont know what happened. Think I started it but yea, started msging SIEWYI about you -.- And I realised. No point. Really no point. You don't love me anymore, it's obvious. So even if out of some miracle I wanna get back with you it's pointless. And I know you too well. You've got too much pride to ask me to go back to you even if out of some craziness in your brain you decide to want me back. OH WELLS.
Sucks to be me.
Well, learn something. Dont put your whole heart into something until you're sure it's gonna last. Mmmhmm. Wise words okay. Learn it. Because when you did what I did and what happened to me happens you'll start feeling like shit everyday. I put my brave face on everyday when I go to work everyday I tell myself "Okay, another day. Another battle against depression." I'm lucky enough to have a few thoughtful people who check up on me constantly to see if I've died from emo-ness or if I'm still alive and kicking.
I did it. I messaged you. LOL. With a lame excuse. Oh well. It's something. I miss you. And WTF lah. You dont give a shit. hahah. Pardon the language. And please, I'm suffering from ALOT of pain right now cos I just deleted the later half of all our messages. OH MY GOSH. WTH. WTH. WTF! Damn painful can. 100 over okay. From day 1 till dooms day. =/ ARGH!!!!!!!!! Man, this is bad. Heart ache. LOL.
Nick Lachey - Shades of Blue
Looks like another day,
Slipping through my window shade.
Chasing the dark away,
Seeking into my room again.
Are you a sad and lonely thing,
Come to steal my piece of mind.
The only peace I find,
Is pretending that you're still lying next to me.
So why, why, why
The suns gotta shine, shine, shine.
Why don't it just stay away?
Why do dreams have to fade,
Into all these shades of blue,
Where I wait for you.
Pray love reaches through,
All these shades, shades of blue.
Where you close your eyes,
Feel me by your side.
I will wait for you,
In all these shades of blue.
Thinking back on my mistakes,
I can't undo all the days that I misused.
I thought you that you always stay.
Its hard to face the simple truth,
That time brings no relief,
And time is all you need you said,
Had to go clear out your head.
While you're trying to decide if you'll come back to me.
Why, why, why
Do we have to cry cry cry?
Tell me why this has to be,
Why don't you give into me?
Baby...all these shades of blue,
Where I wait for you.
Pray love reaches through,
All these shades, shades of blue.
Where you close your eyes,
Feel me by your side.
I will wait for you,
In all these shades of blue
Why did you have to leave?
Why did you have to set me free?
Why did you have to go?
Why did you have to leave?
Why did you have to set me free?
Why did you have to go?
Baby...all these shades of blue,
Where I wait for you.
Pray love reaches through,
All these shades, shades of blue.
Where you close your eyes,
Feel me by your side.
I will wait for you,
In all these shades of blue
Here in all these shades of blue.
The Academy Is - Everything We Had
You were the only face I'd ever known
I was the light from the lamp on the floor
And only as bright as you wanted me to be
But, I am no gentleman, I can be a prick
And I do regret more than I admit
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist
Everything we had, everything we had
Everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there
It was the only place I'd never known
Turned off the light on my way out the door
I will be watching wherever you go
through the eyes of a fly on the wall
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist
Everything we had, everything we had
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there, longer there
You saw for yourself, the way it played out
For you, I am blinded
For you, I am blinded, for you
I am no gentleman, I can be a prick
And I do regret more than I admit
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist
Everything we had, everything we had
(You have been followed, you have been followed)
Everything we had, everything we had
(You have been followed, you have been followed)
Everything we had, everything we had
(You have been followed, you have been followed)
Everything we had...
I'll be with you wherever you go
through the eyes of a fly on the wall
I'd pray and I'd beg "Please, dont go." If I weren't so sure that you dont love me anymore. For you I am blinded.
Anyways, yesterday at work was pretty much okay I guess. We're getting more and more normal. Perhaps I was a little messed up cos you HAD to send me some random message to say goodnight -.- Yes, messed me up quite a bit. So in office I tried to be as normal as I can. And I think I suceeded thanks to twin on the phone XD heard "That Justin guy again?" Whatever.
Last night went to church!! For Fish Fry and meeting with Father John Wong. Basically, it was alright. Got a little boring halfway through XD Then me, twin and geraldine went off to Alif's for supper! Oooh yea. Then we bought our alcoholic drinks and walked from Swiss Cottage back to my house while drinking alcohol XD Okay, it was only bacardi breezers. But still. It was a nice walk. And I wished I could have walked it with you. OH NO. Depression. hahaha! Well, I mean it. Perhaps you could walk your next girlfriend there man. OH SHIT. Ouch. Hurt myself. hahah. And then we walked for quite a long time and er...dunno why but I started repeating your name over and over again. LOL. I just miss you can. So I went home and I seriously plopped onto my bed and fell dead asleep. DEAD.
I awoke this morning feeling BAD. Then I had plans to meet SIEWYI!!!!!!!!!! That little girl. And HM for bugis shopping after that but who knows. I meet SIEWYI pass her the uniform. Yes, mine! And then went home only to find out that I need to go my aunty's house -.- So had to cancel!!!!!!!!! OMG. So depressing okay. Then dont know what happened. Think I started it but yea, started msging SIEWYI about you -.- And I realised. No point. Really no point. You don't love me anymore, it's obvious. So even if out of some miracle I wanna get back with you it's pointless. And I know you too well. You've got too much pride to ask me to go back to you even if out of some craziness in your brain you decide to want me back. OH WELLS.
Sucks to be me.
Well, learn something. Dont put your whole heart into something until you're sure it's gonna last. Mmmhmm. Wise words okay. Learn it. Because when you did what I did and what happened to me happens you'll start feeling like shit everyday. I put my brave face on everyday when I go to work everyday I tell myself "Okay, another day. Another battle against depression." I'm lucky enough to have a few thoughtful people who check up on me constantly to see if I've died from emo-ness or if I'm still alive and kicking.
I did it. I messaged you. LOL. With a lame excuse. Oh well. It's something. I miss you. And WTF lah. You dont give a shit. hahah. Pardon the language. And please, I'm suffering from ALOT of pain right now cos I just deleted the later half of all our messages. OH MY GOSH. WTH. WTH. WTF! Damn painful can. 100 over okay. From day 1 till dooms day. =/ ARGH!!!!!!!!! Man, this is bad. Heart ache. LOL.
Nick Lachey - Shades of Blue
Looks like another day,
Slipping through my window shade.
Chasing the dark away,
Seeking into my room again.
Are you a sad and lonely thing,
Come to steal my piece of mind.
The only peace I find,
Is pretending that you're still lying next to me.
So why, why, why
The suns gotta shine, shine, shine.
Why don't it just stay away?
Why do dreams have to fade,
Into all these shades of blue,
Where I wait for you.
Pray love reaches through,
All these shades, shades of blue.
Where you close your eyes,
Feel me by your side.
I will wait for you,
In all these shades of blue.
Thinking back on my mistakes,
I can't undo all the days that I misused.
I thought you that you always stay.
Its hard to face the simple truth,
That time brings no relief,
And time is all you need you said,
Had to go clear out your head.
While you're trying to decide if you'll come back to me.
Why, why, why
Do we have to cry cry cry?
Tell me why this has to be,
Why don't you give into me?
Baby...all these shades of blue,
Where I wait for you.
Pray love reaches through,
All these shades, shades of blue.
Where you close your eyes,
Feel me by your side.
I will wait for you,
In all these shades of blue
Why did you have to leave?
Why did you have to set me free?
Why did you have to go?
Why did you have to leave?
Why did you have to set me free?
Why did you have to go?
Baby...all these shades of blue,
Where I wait for you.
Pray love reaches through,
All these shades, shades of blue.
Where you close your eyes,
Feel me by your side.
I will wait for you,
In all these shades of blue
Here in all these shades of blue.
The Academy Is - Everything We Had
You were the only face I'd ever known
I was the light from the lamp on the floor
And only as bright as you wanted me to be
But, I am no gentleman, I can be a prick
And I do regret more than I admit
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist
Everything we had, everything we had
Everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there
It was the only place I'd never known
Turned off the light on my way out the door
I will be watching wherever you go
through the eyes of a fly on the wall
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist
Everything we had, everything we had
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there, longer there
You saw for yourself, the way it played out
For you, I am blinded
For you, I am blinded, for you
I am no gentleman, I can be a prick
And I do regret more than I admit
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist
Everything we had, everything we had
(You have been followed, you have been followed)
Everything we had, everything we had
(You have been followed, you have been followed)
Everything we had, everything we had
(You have been followed, you have been followed)
Everything we had...
I'll be with you wherever you go
through the eyes of a fly on the wall
I'd pray and I'd beg "Please, dont go." If I weren't so sure that you dont love me anymore. For you I am blinded.
{ fin }
{ Thursday, February 21, 2008 }
Painted faces on parades. Perhaps what you see on the surface might not be. Look a little longer and you might find something deeper to those eyes.
Okay, basically. Yesterday sucks. Today is a little better?
YESTERDAY
Went to the bus stop to take the shuttle bus instead of walking like I wanted to. Well, met most of the temp staffs there and talked to them. Then you came but you avoided the whole crowd. Just cos I was there? Idiot. You're the one who said we'll be good friends. -.- Anyways, so we talk and shuttle bus comes. Obviously everyone sits at their usual seats with the usual people they sit with. I honestly was hoping not to sit with you BUT as I walked towards you, was about to pass you but you moved in so I thought "Ah WTH I'll just sit with you." So fine. We sit. IN SILENCE. Throughout the whole journey. Well done with being friends huh. I can recite the conversations wehad yesterday cos it was damn few. Early in the morning:
"Meh, choose a number from 1 to 49"
"Woah, you buying 4D ah?"
"Yea"
"33"
"Walau, all so close one."
Later in the day:
"Meh, where's PY?"
"There!!"
"Woah I must be blind!"
"Yea."
-.- How engaging. Isnt it? haha. It was damn painful yesterday. REALLY painful. It's like do I have to see you so soon after breaking up? OUCH! It's really torturous.
So after work obviously you go off with PY so I sat with the guys on the bus and I practically ran to the mrt station because I've been hurting the whole day. I mean it. WHOLE day. So I "ran" to the mrt station to meet Mr Khairul Hakim!!!!!!!!!! hahaha. Man, it's been months since I met this dude. So e go to AMK hub, eat and walk around. I was super emo cos all the shops and I mean ALL are playing those love songs and shit. So I was singing along and suddenly it'll hurt. haahaha. SAD. Anyways, we went to this shop 'Artbox'. DAMN nice notebooks they have there okay. I regret not buying. Nevermind. I'm buying one for myself soon :) Then he bought one for his GF. Then we walked around and headed home. I walked home. That route. Oh shit. That's the route where you held my hand. For the first time. I dont like it. Everywhere has memories of you okay. AMK hub. Oh please, that's the place with ALOT of memories. It's the place where you first kissed me. The place where we banged into people we know and didnt even realise? Were we that wrapped up in each other? So what happened? Hmmmm.
TODAY
Today I made sure I was in time for the first bus. And thankfully PY was there! Love her loads! So I took first bus. You took 2nd. Okay, conversations. OH first we met. Toilet. You gave me a weird smile I gave you a weird smile back. I went back to my seat and then...
"Meh, i ask you ah. Are you using M1?"
"No..."
"Okay" *walks away*
0.0<-----me
Next was during lunch time. I ate fried rice at my table with all the green chillies.
"Woah, nice ah. I can smell it from my side. Are you gonna feed me?"
(so I feed you)
"Why you finish all the green chillies?"
"Cannot meh."
"Dont you find me very pretty today?" *points to hairband on the head*
I burst out laughing. You make me laugh like shit okay. That's why I love you. Loved you. Okay, love you.
Hand signals. Offered you fishballs from OLD CHANG KEE. Brings back memories? Yes yes. On the very first night we were supposed to break up. 26th december 2007. Orchard road. The first time you tongued me. Shit.
So before you went off.
"Not going home?"
No respond so you poke me.
"Not going home?"
"Nope."
"Oh so poor thing."
LOL. WTH. No bye bye okay. Nevermind. I feel more normal today. I guess.
I've thought it through. Perhaps it's God's way of working things out for me. I mean, we both know it's wrong but we continued. God knew that I wouldnt be able to resist so he did it for me. Perhaps it is in his plan to make this happen and since he always takes good care of me and he's never made a bad decision for me nor guided me the wrong way I'll go along with his plan without questioning him. God rocks my socks! See perhaps this is why we broke up and now I am so looking forward to poly life and meeting new people. Learning psychology. Everything.
My initial intention of working was to kill time and earn money. Then I got with you, it became to see you. Only work to see you. And to earn money to spend on you. Directly or indirectly. LOL. Now it is to...........??? I guess its cos I cant leave PY to drown without anyone doing redemption. I OT to avoid awkward situations of going home together. Man, what has Maybank done to me. haha. Well, I'm leaving soon. 14th March or earlier. But most probably 14th march is the day I leave maybank for good.
I dreamt that you scolded me. EEEEEEEEEEVIL! I'd be lying if I said it no longer hurts. It does. But I guess it has to get worse before it gets better. So like I said, let me hurt to the fullest then we'll start healing.
Moon river, wider than a mile
I'm crossin' you in style some day
Old dream maker, you heartbreaker
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way
Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend, Moon River, and me
Nice old song (:
So put up the facades once again. They hide the hurt well so that you never know. After all, I dont wanna be somewhere where you can watch me as I bleed.
Okay, basically. Yesterday sucks. Today is a little better?
YESTERDAY
Went to the bus stop to take the shuttle bus instead of walking like I wanted to. Well, met most of the temp staffs there and talked to them. Then you came but you avoided the whole crowd. Just cos I was there? Idiot. You're the one who said we'll be good friends. -.- Anyways, so we talk and shuttle bus comes. Obviously everyone sits at their usual seats with the usual people they sit with. I honestly was hoping not to sit with you BUT as I walked towards you, was about to pass you but you moved in so I thought "Ah WTH I'll just sit with you." So fine. We sit. IN SILENCE. Throughout the whole journey. Well done with being friends huh. I can recite the conversations wehad yesterday cos it was damn few. Early in the morning:
"Meh, choose a number from 1 to 49"
"Woah, you buying 4D ah?"
"Yea"
"33"
"Walau, all so close one."
Later in the day:
"Meh, where's PY?"
"There!!"
"Woah I must be blind!"
"Yea."
-.- How engaging. Isnt it? haha. It was damn painful yesterday. REALLY painful. It's like do I have to see you so soon after breaking up? OUCH! It's really torturous.
So after work obviously you go off with PY so I sat with the guys on the bus and I practically ran to the mrt station because I've been hurting the whole day. I mean it. WHOLE day. So I "ran" to the mrt station to meet Mr Khairul Hakim!!!!!!!!!! hahaha. Man, it's been months since I met this dude. So e go to AMK hub, eat and walk around. I was super emo cos all the shops and I mean ALL are playing those love songs and shit. So I was singing along and suddenly it'll hurt. haahaha. SAD. Anyways, we went to this shop 'Artbox'. DAMN nice notebooks they have there okay. I regret not buying. Nevermind. I'm buying one for myself soon :) Then he bought one for his GF. Then we walked around and headed home. I walked home. That route. Oh shit. That's the route where you held my hand. For the first time. I dont like it. Everywhere has memories of you okay. AMK hub. Oh please, that's the place with ALOT of memories. It's the place where you first kissed me. The place where we banged into people we know and didnt even realise? Were we that wrapped up in each other? So what happened? Hmmmm.
TODAY
Today I made sure I was in time for the first bus. And thankfully PY was there! Love her loads! So I took first bus. You took 2nd. Okay, conversations. OH first we met. Toilet. You gave me a weird smile I gave you a weird smile back. I went back to my seat and then...
"Meh, i ask you ah. Are you using M1?"
"No..."
"Okay" *walks away*
0.0<-----me
Next was during lunch time. I ate fried rice at my table with all the green chillies.
"Woah, nice ah. I can smell it from my side. Are you gonna feed me?"
(so I feed you)
"Why you finish all the green chillies?"
"Cannot meh."
"Dont you find me very pretty today?" *points to hairband on the head*
I burst out laughing. You make me laugh like shit okay. That's why I love you. Loved you. Okay, love you.
Hand signals. Offered you fishballs from OLD CHANG KEE. Brings back memories? Yes yes. On the very first night we were supposed to break up. 26th december 2007. Orchard road. The first time you tongued me. Shit.
So before you went off.
"Not going home?"
No respond so you poke me.
"Not going home?"
"Nope."
"Oh so poor thing."
LOL. WTH. No bye bye okay. Nevermind. I feel more normal today. I guess.
I've thought it through. Perhaps it's God's way of working things out for me. I mean, we both know it's wrong but we continued. God knew that I wouldnt be able to resist so he did it for me. Perhaps it is in his plan to make this happen and since he always takes good care of me and he's never made a bad decision for me nor guided me the wrong way I'll go along with his plan without questioning him. God rocks my socks! See perhaps this is why we broke up and now I am so looking forward to poly life and meeting new people. Learning psychology. Everything.
My initial intention of working was to kill time and earn money. Then I got with you, it became to see you. Only work to see you. And to earn money to spend on you. Directly or indirectly. LOL. Now it is to...........??? I guess its cos I cant leave PY to drown without anyone doing redemption. I OT to avoid awkward situations of going home together. Man, what has Maybank done to me. haha. Well, I'm leaving soon. 14th March or earlier. But most probably 14th march is the day I leave maybank for good.
I dreamt that you scolded me. EEEEEEEEEEVIL! I'd be lying if I said it no longer hurts. It does. But I guess it has to get worse before it gets better. So like I said, let me hurt to the fullest then we'll start healing.
Moon river, wider than a mile
I'm crossin' you in style some day
Old dream maker, you heartbreaker
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way
Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend, Moon River, and me
Nice old song (:
So put up the facades once again. They hide the hurt well so that you never know. After all, I dont wanna be somewhere where you can watch me as I bleed.
{ fin }
{ Tuesday, February 19, 2008 }
To that hl on the tag board. Shut the hell up cos you dont know a thing about me asshole. You're a coward. I dare you to put your real name up on the tagboard.
So it's a peaceful breakup. Really peaceful. You even called me this morning. Which scared the shit out of me. I didnt hurt last night. I really didnt. But I awoke this morning to a whole different scenario. I'd be lying if I said it doesnt hurt. because this morning sucks. I gonna get lunch and drink. And to think I thought it was okay and that it didnt hurt that bad. Well, I was wrong I guess. Cos right now the emptiness got emptier. There's memories of us everywhere. And that doesnt help. I'm lost. I really lost. Songs then. For music's the only thing I'm living on now.
Anna Nalick - You wont see me cry
The lights are on as a dawn breaks,
I haven't slept at all,
my watch stopped a week ago that's when I got the call.
He said ‘I'm sorry you've got to believe me'
He could have been the one.
The devils been knocking at my door he keeps me on the run.
I'm alright I'm alright don't worry I'll be fine.
I'm alright I'm alright; I do it all the time.
So you won't see me cry
I saw your face in a down town crowd.
I've seen you everywhere.
Sometimes in the strangest places.
I can't help stop and stare,
this might sound crazy,
but you're mind me of someone I did love.
Excuse me it's my mistake I think I've said enough.
I'm alright I'm alright don't worry I'll be fine.
I'm alright I'm alright, I do it all the time.
So you won't see me cry
I won't scream and I won't call you,
never know howfar I've fallen,
I won't loose my faith,
I know I still believe in something.
You won't see me pound the walls or curse the gods above.
Because I still believe in angels and I still believe in love.
And these times when shared mark some kind of ending.
The scarecrow in our backyard is laughing in the wind.
I'm stuck again trying to depend on lonely days gone by.
You won't see me
I'm alright I'm alright don't worry I'll be fine.
I'm alright I'm alright, I do it all the time.
So you won't see me cry.
Backstreet Boys - In Pieces
So I lay awake another hour
Just like the one before
The shadows play a game with my head
I can't take this anymore
I hear the sound Of my own breathing
It makes me miss you more
Wake me up when it's over
After the ending
When the damage has all been done
I don't wanna be somewhere
Where you can watch me as I bleed
Just leave me here in pieces
In pieces
I can't take the chance
Of running into
You running into me So lock the door
And close the window
I just wanna see
Until the day
Inside my future
When I'll be on my feet
Wake me up when it's over
After the ending
When the damage has all been done
I don't wanna be somewhere
Where you can watch me as I bleed
Just leave me here in pieces
In pieces
If you want you can find me
On the dark side of the sun
Babe I don't wanna see what we've become
The damage has all been done
Wake me up when it's over
After the ending
Wake me up when it's over
When the damage has all been done
The damage is done I don't wanna be somewhere
I don't wanna be somewhere Where you can watch me as I bleed
Leave me here in pieces
Just leave me in pieces
Just leave me in pieces
Just wake me up when it's over (in pieces)
Just wake me up when it's over
A tired song keeps playing on a quiet radio. And I wont tell no one your name. Cos I want you and I feel you crawling underneath my skin. Like a hunger, like a burning. You can have what's left of me. And I close my eyes my only for a moment and the moment's gone. Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind. There's only so many tears that you can cry before it drains the light right from your eyes. We built it up to watch it fall like we meant nothing at all. I gave and gave the best of me but couldn't give you what you need. No matter how I try, I cant hate you anymore. You're not the person that you used to be. The one I want who wanted me. So I'm letting go of everything we were. Doesn't mean it doesnt hurt. Sometimes you hold so tight it slips right through your hands. I lie alone thinking how could this ever happen? Is it real? Am I dreaming? And when your heart's been burnt how can someone learn to get over their fears. You told me I should be strong, oh I'm trying. Feel I cant go on. You left me here on my own without a reason for living, chance of forgiving. A time to make it okay. You've been fine, I've been bleeding.
Anyways, thanks for loving me. And thanks for everything. It's great to know that we'll be great friends still :) I'll just have to learn to love you as a friend. And give me time to feel the emotions fully. To hurt to the max first. haha. But yea, it's amazing how life turns out. I'm happy. For you and for me. So, thanks loads. What a ride this has been :D
So it's a peaceful breakup. Really peaceful. You even called me this morning. Which scared the shit out of me. I didnt hurt last night. I really didnt. But I awoke this morning to a whole different scenario. I'd be lying if I said it doesnt hurt. because this morning sucks. I gonna get lunch and drink. And to think I thought it was okay and that it didnt hurt that bad. Well, I was wrong I guess. Cos right now the emptiness got emptier. There's memories of us everywhere. And that doesnt help. I'm lost. I really lost. Songs then. For music's the only thing I'm living on now.
Anna Nalick - You wont see me cry
The lights are on as a dawn breaks,
I haven't slept at all,
my watch stopped a week ago that's when I got the call.
He said ‘I'm sorry you've got to believe me'
He could have been the one.
The devils been knocking at my door he keeps me on the run.
I'm alright I'm alright don't worry I'll be fine.
I'm alright I'm alright; I do it all the time.
So you won't see me cry
I saw your face in a down town crowd.
I've seen you everywhere.
Sometimes in the strangest places.
I can't help stop and stare,
this might sound crazy,
but you're mind me of someone I did love.
Excuse me it's my mistake I think I've said enough.
I'm alright I'm alright don't worry I'll be fine.
I'm alright I'm alright, I do it all the time.
So you won't see me cry
I won't scream and I won't call you,
never know howfar I've fallen,
I won't loose my faith,
I know I still believe in something.
You won't see me pound the walls or curse the gods above.
Because I still believe in angels and I still believe in love.
And these times when shared mark some kind of ending.
The scarecrow in our backyard is laughing in the wind.
I'm stuck again trying to depend on lonely days gone by.
You won't see me
I'm alright I'm alright don't worry I'll be fine.
I'm alright I'm alright, I do it all the time.
So you won't see me cry.
Backstreet Boys - In Pieces
So I lay awake another hour
Just like the one before
The shadows play a game with my head
I can't take this anymore
I hear the sound Of my own breathing
It makes me miss you more
Wake me up when it's over
After the ending
When the damage has all been done
I don't wanna be somewhere
Where you can watch me as I bleed
Just leave me here in pieces
In pieces
I can't take the chance
Of running into
You running into me So lock the door
And close the window
I just wanna see
Until the day
Inside my future
When I'll be on my feet
Wake me up when it's over
After the ending
When the damage has all been done
I don't wanna be somewhere
Where you can watch me as I bleed
Just leave me here in pieces
In pieces
If you want you can find me
On the dark side of the sun
Babe I don't wanna see what we've become
The damage has all been done
Wake me up when it's over
After the ending
Wake me up when it's over
When the damage has all been done
The damage is done I don't wanna be somewhere
I don't wanna be somewhere Where you can watch me as I bleed
Leave me here in pieces
Just leave me in pieces
Just leave me in pieces
Just wake me up when it's over (in pieces)
Just wake me up when it's over
A tired song keeps playing on a quiet radio. And I wont tell no one your name. Cos I want you and I feel you crawling underneath my skin. Like a hunger, like a burning. You can have what's left of me. And I close my eyes my only for a moment and the moment's gone. Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind. There's only so many tears that you can cry before it drains the light right from your eyes. We built it up to watch it fall like we meant nothing at all. I gave and gave the best of me but couldn't give you what you need. No matter how I try, I cant hate you anymore. You're not the person that you used to be. The one I want who wanted me. So I'm letting go of everything we were. Doesn't mean it doesnt hurt. Sometimes you hold so tight it slips right through your hands. I lie alone thinking how could this ever happen? Is it real? Am I dreaming? And when your heart's been burnt how can someone learn to get over their fears. You told me I should be strong, oh I'm trying. Feel I cant go on. You left me here on my own without a reason for living, chance of forgiving. A time to make it okay. You've been fine, I've been bleeding.
Anyways, thanks for loving me. And thanks for everything. It's great to know that we'll be great friends still :) I'll just have to learn to love you as a friend. And give me time to feel the emotions fully. To hurt to the max first. haha. But yea, it's amazing how life turns out. I'm happy. For you and for me. So, thanks loads. What a ride this has been :D
{ fin }
{ Sunday, February 17, 2008 }
I feel stupid. But more of empty. Really empty inside. I cried my eyeballs out. First time in this relationship. I've just never felt so hurt and helpless. It hurts to know. My best guess is you've found someone else. Let me know if that is it. Then just let me go.
Now I really dont feel like going to work tomorrow. I dont want to see you having fun with everyone else but ignoring me. I dont want to. I cannot take it really. I'm afraid I'd breakdown in the office and cry. That's gonna be damn bad. I'm gonna take half day on tuesday. Twin bought me Magarita so I'm gonna drink. Maybe get a bit more by myself and get drunk. I wanna stay out all day and just wonder around.
I wanted things to stay alright. To be back to normal. What changed? I want to know. It hurts. It really does. It's hurts even more to know that I've had so little impact on your life that you wont even remember me on the street if you saw me in a month. I know I mean little to you. I was told not to doubt how much you love me. I dont. I doubt my ability to make you love me. And somehow I know it's gonna be torturous. Tomorrow is gonna be a horrible day. Oh maybank, what have you done?
Perhaps our lives are just a joke.
So suffocating it makes us choke.
The silly things that we've done,
Seem so foolish though loads of fun.
Yet when there are cuts this deep,
We find it somehow, impossible to sleep.
Darkness surrounds this poor soul.
Barren inside, she feels so cold.
Crying they say should ease the pain
Tears flowing down, she's hardly sane.
Why? She asks so many times.
There was no reason, there was no rhyme.
She gave more freely than she ever did
Feeling unappreciated she started to plead.
That all will be well once again.
That love would not do her in again.
On the surface she still seems calm,
But deep inside its a riot with arms.
One part screams "Let me go!"
Yet another still wants to hold.
She saw the signs and read them right,
Now it's all coming into sight.
Her fears revealed to her one by one
And she awaits the fatal blow to come.
I still love you I wont deny. More than anything else in the world. And its hurting so much right now I now I wont get sleep tonight. Everything just has to fall apart does it? Not a single thing in my life have I ever been succesful. What have I accomplished in life? NOTHING. Without you it's worse. Let me go? A bigger part of me hopes you wont. You're still the only light that fills the emptiness. There's nothing more without you here. And I'll be waiting till you decide and I'll always be here to listen to you, if you ever need a listening ear. We used to be really close friends we could be again. It'd be painful but at least I still get to see you. =/ I miss you. I miss us.
Now I really dont feel like going to work tomorrow. I dont want to see you having fun with everyone else but ignoring me. I dont want to. I cannot take it really. I'm afraid I'd breakdown in the office and cry. That's gonna be damn bad. I'm gonna take half day on tuesday. Twin bought me Magarita so I'm gonna drink. Maybe get a bit more by myself and get drunk. I wanna stay out all day and just wonder around.
I wanted things to stay alright. To be back to normal. What changed? I want to know. It hurts. It really does. It's hurts even more to know that I've had so little impact on your life that you wont even remember me on the street if you saw me in a month. I know I mean little to you. I was told not to doubt how much you love me. I dont. I doubt my ability to make you love me. And somehow I know it's gonna be torturous. Tomorrow is gonna be a horrible day. Oh maybank, what have you done?
Perhaps our lives are just a joke.
So suffocating it makes us choke.
The silly things that we've done,
Seem so foolish though loads of fun.
Yet when there are cuts this deep,
We find it somehow, impossible to sleep.
Darkness surrounds this poor soul.
Barren inside, she feels so cold.
Crying they say should ease the pain
Tears flowing down, she's hardly sane.
Why? She asks so many times.
There was no reason, there was no rhyme.
She gave more freely than she ever did
Feeling unappreciated she started to plead.
That all will be well once again.
That love would not do her in again.
On the surface she still seems calm,
But deep inside its a riot with arms.
One part screams "Let me go!"
Yet another still wants to hold.
She saw the signs and read them right,
Now it's all coming into sight.
Her fears revealed to her one by one
And she awaits the fatal blow to come.
I still love you I wont deny. More than anything else in the world. And its hurting so much right now I now I wont get sleep tonight. Everything just has to fall apart does it? Not a single thing in my life have I ever been succesful. What have I accomplished in life? NOTHING. Without you it's worse. Let me go? A bigger part of me hopes you wont. You're still the only light that fills the emptiness. There's nothing more without you here. And I'll be waiting till you decide and I'll always be here to listen to you, if you ever need a listening ear. We used to be really close friends we could be again. It'd be painful but at least I still get to see you. =/ I miss you. I miss us.
{ fin }
{ Saturday, February 16, 2008 }
Emotionally high strung! HAHA. In case you haven noticed, I've been spammed by some stranger on my tag board. It's damn funny cos do I know you? The person who spammed my tag board, you sound so deprived of love =/ If you really dont like what I'm blogging about, dont read it. Simple :)
Anyways, these few days have been really emotionally high strung. Someone's been rushing me to finish HER work. Like OMG. I have my own work to do!! EVIL. So yea, I was rather stressed out already. Then dont know why but you keep giving me the cold shoulder. I've told you before, I can tolerate alot ALOT of things but give me the cold shoulder and I'll have a nervous breakdown XD So shit you darling. LOL. You make me feel so unloved for the past 3 days plus today =/ REALLY.
WEDNESDAY WAS DAMN FUN CAN! Oh man, I feel like crying now. SIEWYI!!!! I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOO GONNA MISS YOU OKAYS?!?!?!?! hahahah. Went to Vivo after work. We came out from the mrt at Dhoby Ghaut mrt station to transfer to the one to harbour front SO we walked up the stairs then went down the escalator which brought us back to the same freaking place we came from! We burst out laughing lake nuts can! hahaha. And the whole station thought we were mad. Anyway, The mrt was DELAYED and so we had fun with oreos! XD Inside joke. Sensitive topic so I wont and shall not ever blog about it. LOL. Then we finally reached the vivo and did SPEED SHOPPING!! hahaha. Saw a wallet and thought it was nice but wanted to view my other options so decided to walk around first. Then HM came and so we go to candy empire to look for her. Found her and I bought gummies for you and for me! I was complaining throughout about how I shouldn't be getting anything for you since you didnt get anything for me and since I was still fumingly pissed off and frustrated about your coldness towards me. But we ended up eating super dog. Fish and Chips XD and erm, went to cocoa tree and bought you maltesers cos you like to eat. Then went back to get the wallet which had an irritating stain on the front. I really dont think you'll use it so fine. Give it to some random guy or whatever if you dont want it. Then Siewyi went home and me and HM went around for a bit more before going home. Where you msged me which made me pretty happy but yea, after a while there wasn't a reply. I got fed up and gave up.
So, this is the first time I've spent so much on one person for one day when I'm angry and frustrated at that very same person. I am so messed up. I know, people call me stupid. I cant help it.
So on wednesday night I couldnt sleep. I just tossed nad turn till about 4am and awoke at 6am. I'm freaking tired especially mentally after what you've been doing and yet there's so much on my mind I just cant sleep. So on thursday, met Siewyi on the train before actually getting to work. Thought we'd be able to catch the first bus but who knew we were late. So we took 2nd bus with you, darling. That's when it occured to me, the question of whether you still love me popped into my brain. Recall the conversation.
"You going tonight?"
"Not sure. But most probably."
"Go home lah. Dont want your parents to scold you. Your mom didnt say anything?"
"No eh. Shejust said okay"
"May! You going tonight?"
"Ya..."
"GOOD GOOD GOOD!"
WTH. I decided then and there that I dont want to go to your church already. It's like you wanted everyone else to be there but me. That hurt like hell okay. It cut damn deep. So I shut up from then on. Until lunch time when I put the presents on your table. When you saw them you came over and asked "Why buy so many things? Waste money. I really didnt buy anything for you.." I was like thinking, I really dont expect anything in return. Just for you to stop cold war. Then you said you give me your body and we laughed. For the first time in days we laughed and exchanged smiles. So I thought we were fine. But somehow something's still wrong.
So at night, we went to your church. Yes, I went in the end. Where we actually met your friends and stuff. Everything happened. Well, they had to talk about our kind did they? But yea, anyway, I looked at you. Your eyes closed, your hands up in the air. I smiled. I smiled because I remembered the first time I was at your church and saw you doing that I fell deeper. So I smiled just for a while. Then we went off. Cos May had to go home. And me and PY and her bro went for dinner. At Mac's. Crazy night we had. Then off I went to CCK to buy Bacardi Breezer and sit at a playground and emo about how horrible my Valentine's day was with my twin. Then he walked me home and I msged you. I dont feel like your girlfriend at all okay? I feel like just another friend. Maybe even to the point of colleague. WTH.
Friday. i woke up and told myself today was gonna be better. That maybe you'd decide to end cold war. But on the train I nearly cried because of an sms from a good good friend saying that I'm being under appreciated nd taken forgranted and that because she knows I love you so much she wont say I deserve someone better. And I honestly was on the brink of crying cos I guess it hit the right spot. So I got to the bus stop and you came after that. Tried to catch your eye, give you a smile or something but you seem so distant. Really. But then you came and you talked to me. I was happy. For a while then you were cold again. I dont get it. I really dont. Then came lunch. With all the temp staff. Man, you just keep making me feel like you dont love me anymore like you're starting to hate me. SERIOUSLY. You know, the more I type the angrier I get. So in the office I really had no mood to work so I admit. After lunch I slacked till work ended. You walked into the office and I made sure I had your attention. I decided I couldn't stand the coldness so I stuck out my tongue at you and you gave me a weird face back and we smiled. And again, I thought things were alright but you black faced again when work ended. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?! So we went and you asked me to go walk with you while the others waited for food to arrive. I wanted to ask you what's wrong but you seemed happy and I didnt want to break that vibe. OH yes, I decided that we're okay already because you even offered to share food with me XD Anyways, so we walked and we went back and food came. Food came, we ate. I almost felt like we're a couple again. So that night was good. It was the first time in many nights I was able to fall asleep BUT who the hell knows I had to have overflowing phonecalls. WTF. I was damn tired okay. So I slept at 1am.
Woke up today and had to go for S25 gathering. WOOTS! Miss them all sooooo much! hahah. So we ate LJS at JEC and then went to alex's house. Played cards. All of us. Me, Bin Bin, Pamela, Jeremiah, Yong Hong, Yi Qing, Yuan Kang, Edward, Zhi Chiaw, Alex, Lun Fa and Jeremy! hahaha. Oh man, it was damn fun. Then some went off to play mahjong and me pam and bin left to watch Ah Long Pte Lmt at WM. Then met up with YH and Ed again for dinner at MOS. Yayness. That's when you msged me. Still, I dont feel like your girlfriend.
Darling, dont shut me out okay. I'm not the enemy. I cant figure out the reason why lately you've been acting so cold. Why you giving me the cold shoulder now? Like you dont even want to talk to me? Every night I'm just waiting for you to give me the usual msg "baby, call me." But nothing ever happens. AND I refuse to call you. I wanted dinner with you but you had to be home for dinner. Oh well. So on the way home I wrote this down in my phone.
Maybe I'm being sensitive, maybe its just me. but I've been trying to make sense of all these things I'm feeling. You seem to blow hot and cold, I just dont get you. I no longer feel the love that used to be right there. You say the right words still but this time something's missing. You make me feel like I'm no longer important in your life. Perhaps things changed and your love's for me no longer there. But you keep me believing that you love me still. I feel single again. Like I'm not attached. But that's exactly why it cuts so deep to find out you're not there. Am I still who you want that's what I need to know. If not, just let me go. This week is supposed to be the best week I can ever have yet somehow it turns out to be the worst I've ever had. We've had 2 occasions to celebrate the love we've found but you have to act so cold and ruin it all. Then you do something that makes me feel like everything's gonna be alright but the next minute it's not again. Can you seriously tell me what's wrong?
I fear I'm losing you. I fear you're eager to leave me. I fear the many possibilities in my mind right now. I feel like shit right now. I really do. Perhaps I'm a lousy girlfriend, a bad lover. A failure in relationships. I dont know. You used to talk to me like I was the only one around. I want so many things. But I just want to hear you say you love me and mean it cos I havent heard it in a while =/ And hope. Hope destroys this week. Hope is what has kept me from approaching this subject with you. From solving the problem. The hope that everyday I tell myself today it's gonna be back to normal. I feel like I dont know you anymore. Like you're a different person altogether. You really make me feel so unwanted. So unloved. So lousy.
So I've said my piece and you probably wont read of it unless you miraculously decide that you've not visited this website for ages and thus decide to read this entry. Or else you'll probably never know. Sacrifices, I have made loads and I dont really care. It just hurts to know there's a problem but hope it'll vanish. Sucks to be me.
Fill me up cos I think I'm empty inside.
Anyways, these few days have been really emotionally high strung. Someone's been rushing me to finish HER work. Like OMG. I have my own work to do!! EVIL. So yea, I was rather stressed out already. Then dont know why but you keep giving me the cold shoulder. I've told you before, I can tolerate alot ALOT of things but give me the cold shoulder and I'll have a nervous breakdown XD So shit you darling. LOL. You make me feel so unloved for the past 3 days plus today =/ REALLY.
WEDNESDAY WAS DAMN FUN CAN! Oh man, I feel like crying now. SIEWYI!!!! I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOO GONNA MISS YOU OKAYS?!?!?!?! hahahah. Went to Vivo after work. We came out from the mrt at Dhoby Ghaut mrt station to transfer to the one to harbour front SO we walked up the stairs then went down the escalator which brought us back to the same freaking place we came from! We burst out laughing lake nuts can! hahaha. And the whole station thought we were mad. Anyway, The mrt was DELAYED and so we had fun with oreos! XD Inside joke. Sensitive topic so I wont and shall not ever blog about it. LOL. Then we finally reached the vivo and did SPEED SHOPPING!! hahaha. Saw a wallet and thought it was nice but wanted to view my other options so decided to walk around first. Then HM came and so we go to candy empire to look for her. Found her and I bought gummies for you and for me! I was complaining throughout about how I shouldn't be getting anything for you since you didnt get anything for me and since I was still fumingly pissed off and frustrated about your coldness towards me. But we ended up eating super dog. Fish and Chips XD and erm, went to cocoa tree and bought you maltesers cos you like to eat. Then went back to get the wallet which had an irritating stain on the front. I really dont think you'll use it so fine. Give it to some random guy or whatever if you dont want it. Then Siewyi went home and me and HM went around for a bit more before going home. Where you msged me which made me pretty happy but yea, after a while there wasn't a reply. I got fed up and gave up.
So, this is the first time I've spent so much on one person for one day when I'm angry and frustrated at that very same person. I am so messed up. I know, people call me stupid. I cant help it.
So on wednesday night I couldnt sleep. I just tossed nad turn till about 4am and awoke at 6am. I'm freaking tired especially mentally after what you've been doing and yet there's so much on my mind I just cant sleep. So on thursday, met Siewyi on the train before actually getting to work. Thought we'd be able to catch the first bus but who knew we were late. So we took 2nd bus with you, darling. That's when it occured to me, the question of whether you still love me popped into my brain. Recall the conversation.
"You going tonight?"
"Not sure. But most probably."
"Go home lah. Dont want your parents to scold you. Your mom didnt say anything?"
"No eh. Shejust said okay"
"May! You going tonight?"
"Ya..."
"GOOD GOOD GOOD!"
WTH. I decided then and there that I dont want to go to your church already. It's like you wanted everyone else to be there but me. That hurt like hell okay. It cut damn deep. So I shut up from then on. Until lunch time when I put the presents on your table. When you saw them you came over and asked "Why buy so many things? Waste money. I really didnt buy anything for you.." I was like thinking, I really dont expect anything in return. Just for you to stop cold war. Then you said you give me your body and we laughed. For the first time in days we laughed and exchanged smiles. So I thought we were fine. But somehow something's still wrong.
So at night, we went to your church. Yes, I went in the end. Where we actually met your friends and stuff. Everything happened. Well, they had to talk about our kind did they? But yea, anyway, I looked at you. Your eyes closed, your hands up in the air. I smiled. I smiled because I remembered the first time I was at your church and saw you doing that I fell deeper. So I smiled just for a while. Then we went off. Cos May had to go home. And me and PY and her bro went for dinner. At Mac's. Crazy night we had. Then off I went to CCK to buy Bacardi Breezer and sit at a playground and emo about how horrible my Valentine's day was with my twin. Then he walked me home and I msged you. I dont feel like your girlfriend at all okay? I feel like just another friend. Maybe even to the point of colleague. WTH.
Friday. i woke up and told myself today was gonna be better. That maybe you'd decide to end cold war. But on the train I nearly cried because of an sms from a good good friend saying that I'm being under appreciated nd taken forgranted and that because she knows I love you so much she wont say I deserve someone better. And I honestly was on the brink of crying cos I guess it hit the right spot. So I got to the bus stop and you came after that. Tried to catch your eye, give you a smile or something but you seem so distant. Really. But then you came and you talked to me. I was happy. For a while then you were cold again. I dont get it. I really dont. Then came lunch. With all the temp staff. Man, you just keep making me feel like you dont love me anymore like you're starting to hate me. SERIOUSLY. You know, the more I type the angrier I get. So in the office I really had no mood to work so I admit. After lunch I slacked till work ended. You walked into the office and I made sure I had your attention. I decided I couldn't stand the coldness so I stuck out my tongue at you and you gave me a weird face back and we smiled. And again, I thought things were alright but you black faced again when work ended. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?! So we went and you asked me to go walk with you while the others waited for food to arrive. I wanted to ask you what's wrong but you seemed happy and I didnt want to break that vibe. OH yes, I decided that we're okay already because you even offered to share food with me XD Anyways, so we walked and we went back and food came. Food came, we ate. I almost felt like we're a couple again. So that night was good. It was the first time in many nights I was able to fall asleep BUT who the hell knows I had to have overflowing phonecalls. WTF. I was damn tired okay. So I slept at 1am.
Woke up today and had to go for S25 gathering. WOOTS! Miss them all sooooo much! hahah. So we ate LJS at JEC and then went to alex's house. Played cards. All of us. Me, Bin Bin, Pamela, Jeremiah, Yong Hong, Yi Qing, Yuan Kang, Edward, Zhi Chiaw, Alex, Lun Fa and Jeremy! hahaha. Oh man, it was damn fun. Then some went off to play mahjong and me pam and bin left to watch Ah Long Pte Lmt at WM. Then met up with YH and Ed again for dinner at MOS. Yayness. That's when you msged me. Still, I dont feel like your girlfriend.
Darling, dont shut me out okay. I'm not the enemy. I cant figure out the reason why lately you've been acting so cold. Why you giving me the cold shoulder now? Like you dont even want to talk to me? Every night I'm just waiting for you to give me the usual msg "baby, call me." But nothing ever happens. AND I refuse to call you. I wanted dinner with you but you had to be home for dinner. Oh well. So on the way home I wrote this down in my phone.
Maybe I'm being sensitive, maybe its just me. but I've been trying to make sense of all these things I'm feeling. You seem to blow hot and cold, I just dont get you. I no longer feel the love that used to be right there. You say the right words still but this time something's missing. You make me feel like I'm no longer important in your life. Perhaps things changed and your love's for me no longer there. But you keep me believing that you love me still. I feel single again. Like I'm not attached. But that's exactly why it cuts so deep to find out you're not there. Am I still who you want that's what I need to know. If not, just let me go. This week is supposed to be the best week I can ever have yet somehow it turns out to be the worst I've ever had. We've had 2 occasions to celebrate the love we've found but you have to act so cold and ruin it all. Then you do something that makes me feel like everything's gonna be alright but the next minute it's not again. Can you seriously tell me what's wrong?
I fear I'm losing you. I fear you're eager to leave me. I fear the many possibilities in my mind right now. I feel like shit right now. I really do. Perhaps I'm a lousy girlfriend, a bad lover. A failure in relationships. I dont know. You used to talk to me like I was the only one around. I want so many things. But I just want to hear you say you love me and mean it cos I havent heard it in a while =/ And hope. Hope destroys this week. Hope is what has kept me from approaching this subject with you. From solving the problem. The hope that everyday I tell myself today it's gonna be back to normal. I feel like I dont know you anymore. Like you're a different person altogether. You really make me feel so unwanted. So unloved. So lousy.
So I've said my piece and you probably wont read of it unless you miraculously decide that you've not visited this website for ages and thus decide to read this entry. Or else you'll probably never know. Sacrifices, I have made loads and I dont really care. It just hurts to know there's a problem but hope it'll vanish. Sucks to be me.
Fill me up cos I think I'm empty inside.
{ fin }
{ Tuesday, February 12, 2008 }
Well, happy 2nd month (:
Although happy isn't exactly the right way to describe it. Went for dinner with you last night. Dont know. It started out fine but ended a little dead so doesnt matter. After that I went home and talked on the phone to HM and James. Who were trying to talk some sense (?) into me. LOL. I'm sorry, I love my darling too much to let go. When there's something that you might lose any time you tend to treasure it all the more. Weird ways of human beings.
Well, at least it ended with both parties still telling me that they'll respect my decision. It's all part of learning anyway right? LOL. WTH.
So after that I bathed and started working on something I should have finished long ago. Like last week or something. haha. Oh wells. Which I finished just last night. OR this morning. Specially hand made for our 2nd month. I didnt find it nice but after giving it to you I felt like I shouldn't have even bothered giving it to you. It isn't nice at all. =/
Anyways, I tried to fall asleep at 3am but ended up tossing and turning in bed till about 4am before I fell asleep. And I awoke this morning at 6am thus explaining why I was in time to take the first bus. And so I had the element of surprise by putting the gift into your drawer. My famous amos cookie box still in there XD YAYNESS. So I was quite excited about it but your reaction to it seemed so half-hearted. Darling, I hate to say it but it was cold in the office today. Ice cold. Really. After work was worst. I admit. I told my mom I wont be home for dinner cos I honestly hoped we'd go out for dinner but you said you had to go home. Well, blessing in disguise. My stomach was upset anyway so I went home. Go home, my parents make me send my bro off with them -.- Cant I stay home and rest? Then I msged you. Was rather pissed off by then at the whole way today turned out to be but you made me smile just for a while. THEN you started to sound like you didnt wanna talk to me so I didnt reply. Darling, I dont get it =/
I dont care what people say. I've become a socially dead person for you. Cos I dont feel like going out with anyone else but you or talk to anyone else but you. You're the reason I smile to myself even when I'm alone. I'm trying to love you the best way I know how to but sometimes it seems like whatever I do isn't enough for you.
So yea, bullshit when I say I dont mind not spending Valentine's day with you. It's like telling you "darling, I'm free on Valentine's day and so are you but you go home after work okay? Cos I'm going out with james." -.- Hurts okay. Whatever. And you know the worse part is, after all is said and done, I still love you.
There will be many more people who try to tell me the relationship is bad for me and my future. Blah blah blah. It doesn't change the fact that my answer is always the same and you can trust me, I've never considered it after our first month. So yea, happy 2nd month (: For after all, I should be happy that I'm your's while you're not exactly mine. As you always say what's mine is your's but what's your's is not mine.
I love you loads darling. You've warned me about the consequences before but I told you, I dont care. Whatever comes. Let it. Silence isnt golden. It's torturous.
Well, melt the snow for me will you? Cos I cant read your mind. And your smell still lingers.
{ fin }
{ Saturday, February 9, 2008 }
Hmmm, desire caused heart attacks and that desire got satisfied.
I was dying to see you my darling and I did in the end. You wanted to catch a movie so I ended up fleeing my house at 8.45pm to get to Lot 1 ASAP to purchase tickets for your brother's show XD Who knows. The queue was soooo freaking long -.- so we ended up going to Causeway Point for the movie cos you were there and you bought tickets already! BUT I told my parents the show's at 9.30pm (LOT 1) and the causway one was at 10.35pm. OOPS. hahah.
Anyways, so I met you. LOL. Darling, sexy ah. Sleeveless some more. XD Then we go walk around and ended up in COLD STORAGE! hahaha. OMG. And you kept looking at food!! haha. Cute lah darling. And please. Walk halfway we met your school's teacher. A counsellor some more. HEH. Anyways, then you buy green tea, I buy chrysanthemum tea. HEAVEN AND EARTH! hahaha. I'm so influenced by you -.- LOL. And please darling, you get horny XD And get so petty just cos you-know-what comes and I cant give you. Then we go up the escalator and stuff then you suddenly say take lift -.- IDIOT! HAHAHA. Then nevermind. We take lift up then you lead the wrong way. AHAHAHAHHA! DARLING, YOU NOOB. "Purposely one." Yea, right. I believe. hahaha! Love you lah.
Then we sit at the cut hair thingy then you read the things. LOL. Then we decided to go up to the cinema there and sit around, wait for the show to start. LOL. Then the food court. Think people were thnking we're 2 idiots lah. All the stores closed then we still go around looking at the stalls acting as if we gonna order some food. haha. We're so lame. Then we sat down and talk talk. HAHA. And please darling, remember my 6 words to describe your kiss? haha. Exactly can. This is what our 4th time? or 5th? 5th time if I'm not wrong. Mmmmmm. haha (: Taste good. LOL. WTH. Then you lie on my lap and hahahaha -.- You get all horny again right. Shit you, you make me wet. XD Graphic. I was scared ok. But if you did anything I wouldn't have stopped you cos as I said so many time before, you get away with anything.
So we were about to go into the cinema itself when these boys walked past and said some stuff which I didnt hear but they seem to have offended you I think. Darling, let them say what they like lah. So we went in and watched your brother's show. So touching lah the last part XD Haha. And please, this is the first time I watched a movie holding someone's hand throughout the whole movie and leaning my head against someone else's head. LOL. SWEET! After the movie we rushed to get on the last train bak to both our homes. BUT I had to go toilet to pee first so we went. And darling, "MEH! MY PSP WITH YOU RIGHT?" hahahaha! That was damn funny can. Everyone in the toilet will know my name lah XD cute lah you! Then we rushed like crazy and I've got 7mins while you've got 15mins. So we sat down and you tell me stories. Then sadly my train came =/ I dont feel like going home okay? I'd spend the whole night with you and give you since you dont mind. LOL. REALLY. But sadly the parents were a problem weren't they? So I went off and darling, is it so surprising? I always kiss you before I get on the train. So I was surprised when you didnt expect me to kiss you goodbye. Darling, it's insufficient.
On the train home not much happened. But waiting for the last 300 got 2 men keep staring at me. Felt like flicking them the finger lah WTH. So I got home. My parents didnt ask much. SURPRISINGLY. Man, I was damn happy can. I could have talked to you over the phone for hours and hours till this morning but you fell asleep XD It's okay darling, I know you're tired :) So I stayed up making ___________________ (not love XD) for you. HAHA. Still missing the main ingredient hor. Nevermind lah. Monday!
Today, you woke up and asked if I wanna go out with you. OMG Darling, I'd die to go out with you XD But then I had to go my uncle's place. Family obligations AGAIN. Humph. So Couldn't in the end. =/ I miss you!! HAHA. Seriously, I do. So now you're gambling while I'm blogging. (: Love you loads! And please, I really hope you come down tomorrow and gamble with us =/ But I know you wont cos you're so afraid my family finds out. I dont care darling. And I know they wont. I know they wont cos they'll think I'd never turn ___________ (haha, you-know-what.) To them you're just the colleague I'm the closest to. haha. Yes, colleague!
Anyways, 3 more days darling. I LOVE YOU TRUCKLOADS! I'll go wherever you will go :)
I've been thinking about the whole story of the 2 of us. Quite interesting lah I mean. Know each other for 2 weeks only then got together already. HAHA. And please, I have no idea why we were so sure that we liked each other XD To think about it, I took a damn big risk. But please, I was shocked when I found out that I like you. I tried to distance myself from you because I wanted to sort out my feelings.
1) I wanted to make sure what I was feeling was real
2) I had to see if I'm alright with it myself
3) I didn't want you to be a replacement for James (and trust me, you're definitely not!)
4) God and all
5) Most importantly, I wanted to make sure that I loved you for who you are and not love you thinking you're someone you're not if you know what I mean.
Phone talks and all in the middle of the night (: HAHA. I dropped enormous hints that I like you the second I made up my mind. Then remember on the 11th december. HAHA OMG. I remember PY was talking to me about how she finds that the 2 of us would get together soon since we've had so much communication between us and stuff. And how she told me "If you can control your feelings then control lah, dont get into such a relationship." HAHA. She really didnt encourage me to go for the relationship lah. BUT she was too damn late lah. Cos obviously, it was "planned" for us to get together the next day right. LOL. So on that day you smsed to ask "Do you really want me to accompany you for your choir rehearsal?" and I told you I want lah but if you dont want then nevermind. Then I walked to the printer, looked at you and you nodded. And I really flew up to the heaven lah. HAHAHAHA. And after that is a story we know too well. I know anyway. HAHA. We took 985 and you walked me home. Held my hand, gave me a shock but I loved it. And we never stopped holdng hands since. Right? (: I so love you.
I know! The time I was sure that you liked me too was when we were smsing on 9th dec 07 hahah! sunday. After my church. You told me you going off with another girl and you might get together with her. My heart PIANG. lol. Then in the end is you bluff me one -.- And you sms me saying "I think she also know who she is already right right right?" HAHA. And I replied "How I know. I also not the one." XD Beat around the bush lah WTH. I so love you :) And when you went for my great grandma's wake, woah. I fell deeper for you that night XD You brought a teddy bear for me!! LOL. Sweet can. So darling, how far we've come (:
So in conclusion, I thank God in the wierdest way for bringing me to Maybank, meeting you and all the rest but especially you and giving me a fantastic job :) Prasie God! So here's what I do every morning. I wake up to the sound of my phone alarm clock. I off it, kiss my handphone cos of my wallpaper which is your face and thank god for not just another day but another day spent with you. You're the light that makes the darkness disappear. You've changed so much in me. Just felt like thanking you today all of a sudden. You make me dress better, you make me think differently, see different view and open my eyes to so many new things. You un-kuku me. hahaha! And I love you for that. For the joy you've brought to my life, the affection you've showered on me, the direction you've put in my life, the colours you've added, the senses you've awakened and of course, for loving me for who I am and not trying to change me. But because of that, I know there are flaws in me that you hate. And I'll try my best to change cos I love you. HAHA. And you wont read this cos you havent read my blog in ages I think LOL. So yes. Better if you dont read! :)
Close your eyes, make a wish
That this could last forever
If only you could stay with me now
So tell me what it is
That keeps us from each other now
Yeah it's coming to get me
You're under my skin
No I can't let you go
You're a part of me now
Caught by the taste of your kiss
And I don't wanna know
The reason why I
Can't stay forever like this
Now I'm climbing the walls cause I miss you
Take my hand, take my life
Just don't take forever
And let me feel your pain kept inside (oh yeah)
There's gotta be a way
For you and I together now
Yeah it's coming to get me
You're under my skin
No I can't let you go
You're a part of me now
Caught by the taste of your kiss (ohh)
And I don't wanna know
The reason why I
Can't stay forever like this
Now I'm climbing the walls cause I miss you
It's an illusion
How can I feel this way?
If I can't have you
It's an illusion
Nothing is real this way
If I can't have you
No I can't let you go
You're a part of me now (now)
Caught by the taste of your kiss
(I don't wanna know)
And I don't wanna know
The reason why I
Can't stay forever like this
(I'm climbing the walls)
Now I'm climbing the walls cause I miss
Ohhhh
I can't let you go no
And I don't wanna know
The reason why I
Can't stay forever like this (ohh ohh)
Now I'm climbing the walls cause I miss (I miss) you
Love you my dearest (: More than words can describe.
I was dying to see you my darling and I did in the end. You wanted to catch a movie so I ended up fleeing my house at 8.45pm to get to Lot 1 ASAP to purchase tickets for your brother's show XD Who knows. The queue was soooo freaking long -.- so we ended up going to Causeway Point for the movie cos you were there and you bought tickets already! BUT I told my parents the show's at 9.30pm (LOT 1) and the causway one was at 10.35pm. OOPS. hahah.
Anyways, so I met you. LOL. Darling, sexy ah. Sleeveless some more. XD Then we go walk around and ended up in COLD STORAGE! hahaha. OMG. And you kept looking at food!! haha. Cute lah darling. And please. Walk halfway we met your school's teacher. A counsellor some more. HEH. Anyways, then you buy green tea, I buy chrysanthemum tea. HEAVEN AND EARTH! hahaha. I'm so influenced by you -.- LOL. And please darling, you get horny XD And get so petty just cos you-know-what comes and I cant give you. Then we go up the escalator and stuff then you suddenly say take lift -.- IDIOT! HAHAHA. Then nevermind. We take lift up then you lead the wrong way. AHAHAHAHHA! DARLING, YOU NOOB. "Purposely one." Yea, right. I believe. hahaha! Love you lah.
Then we sit at the cut hair thingy then you read the things. LOL. Then we decided to go up to the cinema there and sit around, wait for the show to start. LOL. Then the food court. Think people were thnking we're 2 idiots lah. All the stores closed then we still go around looking at the stalls acting as if we gonna order some food. haha. We're so lame. Then we sat down and talk talk. HAHA. And please darling, remember my 6 words to describe your kiss? haha. Exactly can. This is what our 4th time? or 5th? 5th time if I'm not wrong. Mmmmmm. haha (: Taste good. LOL. WTH. Then you lie on my lap and hahahaha -.- You get all horny again right. Shit you, you make me wet. XD Graphic. I was scared ok. But if you did anything I wouldn't have stopped you cos as I said so many time before, you get away with anything.
So we were about to go into the cinema itself when these boys walked past and said some stuff which I didnt hear but they seem to have offended you I think. Darling, let them say what they like lah. So we went in and watched your brother's show. So touching lah the last part XD Haha. And please, this is the first time I watched a movie holding someone's hand throughout the whole movie and leaning my head against someone else's head. LOL. SWEET! After the movie we rushed to get on the last train bak to both our homes. BUT I had to go toilet to pee first so we went. And darling, "MEH! MY PSP WITH YOU RIGHT?" hahahaha! That was damn funny can. Everyone in the toilet will know my name lah XD cute lah you! Then we rushed like crazy and I've got 7mins while you've got 15mins. So we sat down and you tell me stories. Then sadly my train came =/ I dont feel like going home okay? I'd spend the whole night with you and give you since you dont mind. LOL. REALLY. But sadly the parents were a problem weren't they? So I went off and darling, is it so surprising? I always kiss you before I get on the train. So I was surprised when you didnt expect me to kiss you goodbye. Darling, it's insufficient.
On the train home not much happened. But waiting for the last 300 got 2 men keep staring at me. Felt like flicking them the finger lah WTH. So I got home. My parents didnt ask much. SURPRISINGLY. Man, I was damn happy can. I could have talked to you over the phone for hours and hours till this morning but you fell asleep XD It's okay darling, I know you're tired :) So I stayed up making ___________________ (not love XD) for you. HAHA. Still missing the main ingredient hor. Nevermind lah. Monday!
Today, you woke up and asked if I wanna go out with you. OMG Darling, I'd die to go out with you XD But then I had to go my uncle's place. Family obligations AGAIN. Humph. So Couldn't in the end. =/ I miss you!! HAHA. Seriously, I do. So now you're gambling while I'm blogging. (: Love you loads! And please, I really hope you come down tomorrow and gamble with us =/ But I know you wont cos you're so afraid my family finds out. I dont care darling. And I know they wont. I know they wont cos they'll think I'd never turn ___________ (haha, you-know-what.) To them you're just the colleague I'm the closest to. haha. Yes, colleague!
Anyways, 3 more days darling. I LOVE YOU TRUCKLOADS! I'll go wherever you will go :)
I've been thinking about the whole story of the 2 of us. Quite interesting lah I mean. Know each other for 2 weeks only then got together already. HAHA. And please, I have no idea why we were so sure that we liked each other XD To think about it, I took a damn big risk. But please, I was shocked when I found out that I like you. I tried to distance myself from you because I wanted to sort out my feelings.
1) I wanted to make sure what I was feeling was real
2) I had to see if I'm alright with it myself
3) I didn't want you to be a replacement for James (and trust me, you're definitely not!)
4) God and all
5) Most importantly, I wanted to make sure that I loved you for who you are and not love you thinking you're someone you're not if you know what I mean.
Phone talks and all in the middle of the night (: HAHA. I dropped enormous hints that I like you the second I made up my mind. Then remember on the 11th december. HAHA OMG. I remember PY was talking to me about how she finds that the 2 of us would get together soon since we've had so much communication between us and stuff. And how she told me "If you can control your feelings then control lah, dont get into such a relationship." HAHA. She really didnt encourage me to go for the relationship lah. BUT she was too damn late lah. Cos obviously, it was "planned" for us to get together the next day right. LOL. So on that day you smsed to ask "Do you really want me to accompany you for your choir rehearsal?" and I told you I want lah but if you dont want then nevermind. Then I walked to the printer, looked at you and you nodded. And I really flew up to the heaven lah. HAHAHAHA. And after that is a story we know too well. I know anyway. HAHA. We took 985 and you walked me home. Held my hand, gave me a shock but I loved it. And we never stopped holdng hands since. Right? (: I so love you.
I know! The time I was sure that you liked me too was when we were smsing on 9th dec 07 hahah! sunday. After my church. You told me you going off with another girl and you might get together with her. My heart PIANG. lol. Then in the end is you bluff me one -.- And you sms me saying "I think she also know who she is already right right right?" HAHA. And I replied "How I know. I also not the one." XD Beat around the bush lah WTH. I so love you :) And when you went for my great grandma's wake, woah. I fell deeper for you that night XD You brought a teddy bear for me!! LOL. Sweet can. So darling, how far we've come (:
So in conclusion, I thank God in the wierdest way for bringing me to Maybank, meeting you and all the rest but especially you and giving me a fantastic job :) Prasie God! So here's what I do every morning. I wake up to the sound of my phone alarm clock. I off it, kiss my handphone cos of my wallpaper which is your face and thank god for not just another day but another day spent with you. You're the light that makes the darkness disappear. You've changed so much in me. Just felt like thanking you today all of a sudden. You make me dress better, you make me think differently, see different view and open my eyes to so many new things. You un-kuku me. hahaha! And I love you for that. For the joy you've brought to my life, the affection you've showered on me, the direction you've put in my life, the colours you've added, the senses you've awakened and of course, for loving me for who I am and not trying to change me. But because of that, I know there are flaws in me that you hate. And I'll try my best to change cos I love you. HAHA. And you wont read this cos you havent read my blog in ages I think LOL. So yes. Better if you dont read! :)
Close your eyes, make a wish
That this could last forever
If only you could stay with me now
So tell me what it is
That keeps us from each other now
Yeah it's coming to get me
You're under my skin
No I can't let you go
You're a part of me now
Caught by the taste of your kiss
And I don't wanna know
The reason why I
Can't stay forever like this
Now I'm climbing the walls cause I miss you
Take my hand, take my life
Just don't take forever
And let me feel your pain kept inside (oh yeah)
There's gotta be a way
For you and I together now
Yeah it's coming to get me
You're under my skin
No I can't let you go
You're a part of me now
Caught by the taste of your kiss (ohh)
And I don't wanna know
The reason why I
Can't stay forever like this
Now I'm climbing the walls cause I miss you
It's an illusion
How can I feel this way?
If I can't have you
It's an illusion
Nothing is real this way
If I can't have you
No I can't let you go
You're a part of me now (now)
Caught by the taste of your kiss
(I don't wanna know)
And I don't wanna know
The reason why I
Can't stay forever like this
(I'm climbing the walls)
Now I'm climbing the walls cause I miss
Ohhhh
I can't let you go no
And I don't wanna know
The reason why I
Can't stay forever like this (ohh ohh)
Now I'm climbing the walls cause I miss (I miss) you
Love you my dearest (: More than words can describe.
{ fin }