Emotionally high strung! HAHA. In case you haven noticed, I've been spammed by some stranger on my tag board. It's damn funny cos do I know you? The person who spammed my tag board, you sound so deprived of love =/ If you really dont like what I'm blogging about, dont read it. Simple :) Anyways, these few days have been really emotionally high strung. Someone's been rushing me to finish HER work. Like OMG. I have my own work to do!! EVIL. So yea, I was rather stressed out already. Then dont know why but you keep giving me the cold shoulder. I've told you before, I can tolerate alot ALOT of things but give me the cold shoulder and I'll have a nervous breakdown XD So shit you darling. LOL. You make me feel so unloved for the past 3 days plus today =/ REALLY.
WEDNESDAY WAS DAMN FUN CAN! Oh man, I feel like crying now. SIEWYI!!!! I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOO GONNA MISS YOU OKAYS?!?!?!?! hahahah. Went to Vivo after work. We came out from the mrt at Dhoby Ghaut mrt station to transfer to the one to harbour front SO we walked up the stairs then went down the escalator which brought us back to the same freaking place we came from! We burst out laughing lake nuts can! hahaha. And the whole station thought we were mad. Anyway, The mrt was DELAYED and so we had fun with oreos! XD Inside joke. Sensitive topic so I wont and shall not ever blog about it. LOL. Then we finally reached the vivo and did SPEED SHOPPING!! hahaha. Saw a wallet and thought it was nice but wanted to view my other options so decided to walk around first. Then HM came and so we go to candy empire to look for her. Found her and I bought gummies for you and for me! I was complaining throughout about how I shouldn't be getting anything for you since you didnt get anything for me and since I was still fumingly pissed off and frustrated about your coldness towards me. But we ended up eating super dog. Fish and Chips XD and erm, went to cocoa tree and bought you maltesers cos you like to eat. Then went back to get the wallet which had an irritating stain on the front. I really dont think you'll use it so fine. Give it to some random guy or whatever if you dont want it. Then Siewyi went home and me and HM went around for a bit more before going home. Where you msged me which made me pretty happy but yea, after a while there wasn't a reply. I got fed up and gave up.
So, this is the first time I've spent so much on one person for one day when I'm angry and frustrated at that very same person. I am so messed up. I know, people call me stupid. I cant help it.
So on wednesday night I couldnt sleep. I just tossed nad turn till about 4am and awoke at 6am. I'm freaking tired especially mentally after what you've been doing and yet there's so much on my mind I just cant sleep. So on thursday, met Siewyi on the train before actually getting to work. Thought we'd be able to catch the first bus but who knew we were late. So we took 2nd bus with you, darling. That's when it occured to me, the question of whether you still love me popped into my brain. Recall the conversation. "You going tonight?" "Not sure. But most probably." "Go home lah. Dont want your parents to scold you. Your mom didnt say anything?" "No eh. Shejust said okay" "May! You going tonight?" "Ya..." "GOOD GOOD GOOD!"
WTH. I decided then and there that I dont want to go to your church already. It's like you wanted everyone else to be there but me. That hurt like hell okay. It cut damn deep. So I shut up from then on. Until lunch time when I put the presents on your table. When you saw them you came over and asked "Why buy so many things? Waste money. I really didnt buy anything for you.." I was like thinking, I really dont expect anything in return. Just for you to stop cold war. Then you said you give me your body and we laughed. For the first time in days we laughed and exchanged smiles. So I thought we were fine. But somehow something's still wrong.
So at night, we went to your church. Yes, I went in the end. Where we actually met your friends and stuff. Everything happened. Well, they had to talk about our kind did they? But yea, anyway, I looked at you. Your eyes closed, your hands up in the air. I smiled. I smiled because I remembered the first time I was at your church and saw you doing that I fell deeper. So I smiled just for a while. Then we went off. Cos May had to go home. And me and PY and her bro went for dinner. At Mac's. Crazy night we had. Then off I went to CCK to buy Bacardi Breezer and sit at a playground and emo about how horrible my Valentine's day was with my twin. Then he walked me home and I msged you. I dont feel like your girlfriend at all okay? I feel like just another friend. Maybe even to the point of colleague. WTH.
Friday. i woke up and told myself today was gonna be better. That maybe you'd decide to end cold war. But on the train I nearly cried because of an sms from a good good friend saying that I'm being under appreciated nd taken forgranted and that because she knows I love you so much she wont say I deserve someone better. And I honestly was on the brink of crying cos I guess it hit the right spot. So I got to the bus stop and you came after that. Tried to catch your eye, give you a smile or something but you seem so distant. Really. But then you came and you talked to me. I was happy. For a while then you were cold again. I dont get it. I really dont. Then came lunch. With all the temp staff. Man, you just keep making me feel like you dont love me anymore like you're starting to hate me. SERIOUSLY. You know, the more I type the angrier I get. So in the office I really had no mood to work so I admit. After lunch I slacked till work ended. You walked into the office and I made sure I had your attention. I decided I couldn't stand the coldness so I stuck out my tongue at you and you gave me a weird face back and we smiled. And again, I thought things were alright but you black faced again when work ended. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?! So we went and you asked me to go walk with you while the others waited for food to arrive. I wanted to ask you what's wrong but you seemed happy and I didnt want to break that vibe. OH yes, I decided that we're okay already because you even offered to share food with me XD Anyways, so we walked and we went back and food came. Food came, we ate. I almost felt like we're a couple again. So that night was good. It was the first time in many nights I was able to fall asleep BUT who the hell knows I had to have overflowing phonecalls. WTF. I was damn tired okay. So I slept at 1am.
Woke up today and had to go for S25 gathering. WOOTS! Miss them all sooooo much! hahah. So we ate LJS at JEC and then went to alex's house. Played cards. All of us. Me, Bin Bin, Pamela, Jeremiah, Yong Hong, Yi Qing, Yuan Kang, Edward, Zhi Chiaw, Alex, Lun Fa and Jeremy! hahaha. Oh man, it was damn fun. Then some went off to play mahjong and me pam and bin left to watch Ah Long Pte Lmt at WM. Then met up with YH and Ed again for dinner at MOS. Yayness. That's when you msged me. Still, I dont feel like your girlfriend.
Darling, dont shut me out okay. I'm not the enemy. I cant figure out the reason why lately you've been acting so cold. Why you giving me the cold shoulder now? Like you dont even want to talk to me? Every night I'm just waiting for you to give me the usual msg "baby, call me." But nothing ever happens. AND I refuse to call you. I wanted dinner with you but you had to be home for dinner. Oh well. So on the way home I wrote this down in my phone.
Maybe I'm being sensitive, maybe its just me. but I've been trying to make sense of all these things I'm feeling. You seem to blow hot and cold, I just dont get you. I no longer feel the love that used to be right there. You say the right words still but this time something's missing. You make me feel like I'm no longer important in your life. Perhaps things changed and your love's for me no longer there. But you keep me believing that you love me still. I feel single again. Like I'm not attached. But that's exactly why it cuts so deep to find out you're not there. Am I still who you want that's what I need to know. If not, just let me go. This week is supposed to be the best week I can ever have yet somehow it turns out to be the worst I've ever had. We've had 2 occasions to celebrate the love we've found but you have to act so cold and ruin it all. Then you do something that makes me feel like everything's gonna be alright but the next minute it's not again. Can you seriously tell me what's wrong?
I fear I'm losing you. I fear you're eager to leave me. I fear the many possibilities in my mind right now. I feel like shit right now. I really do. Perhaps I'm a lousy girlfriend, a bad lover. A failure in relationships. I dont know. You used to talk to me like I was the only one around. I want so many things. But I just want to hear you say you love me and mean it cos I havent heard it in a while =/ And hope. Hope destroys this week. Hope is what has kept me from approaching this subject with you. From solving the problem. The hope that everyday I tell myself today it's gonna be back to normal. I feel like I dont know you anymore. Like you're a different person altogether. You really make me feel so unwanted. So unloved. So lousy.
So I've said my piece and you probably wont read of it unless you miraculously decide that you've not visited this website for ages and thus decide to read this entry. Or else you'll probably never know. Sacrifices, I have made loads and I dont really care. It just hurts to know there's a problem but hope it'll vanish. Sucks to be me.