The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
It was always you.
It was always you.
{ Marianne }
{ Past. }
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{ Sunday, March 30, 2008 }
Yesterday. Yesterday was an emotional day. So is today.
Yesterday I met my dearest SIEWYI and went to ACJC fun fair. Met quite a few ppl there! Some JJC econs teacher XD Forgot her name. Met Ms Angela Chew! Met my twin and the scouts. Met Gerald. Met a few other people who I probably forgot I met. LOL. We had fun. We walked one round. Didnt spend on anything and went off to VIVO!
That was where I had my virgin time at Marche XD Thanks to SIEWYI huh! We go eat eat eat until we were about to explode! But yes, it was worth it. And I heard they under charged us? We were TOOOOOOOO cute already right? Taking all the lovable photos in Marche. LOL. Girl, you remember? "Wrong direction!!" LOL! So we ate for a really long time before we decided to leave.
Then we went to different shops to try out clothes. HAHA. The dress in Mango was it? Yes, the mango dress. OMG. Expose half of my twins XD Then we went to forever 21 and erm, shopped and I bought a freaking dress for like $73!! haha. So amazing huh! Anyways, then I saw your best friend the one who said I'm trying to steal you from her -.- And one of your church friend. WHICH brought alot of emotions to the table that moment. AND everything started going downhill from then on.
So we decided to go candy empire then head home. Well, SIEWYI heads home while I head to church. We sat at the mrt station for quite a while listening to our mp3s singing emo songs. Me anyway. Then I saw her again -.- Your best friend. In the train. I dont know if she saw me. But yea, wouldn't really matter would it? So my brain starts working and everything's just messed up. So met everyone in church and went for farewell dinner for Faith and Crist! Man, will miss them loads. They're the cutest and coolest couple I've ever known. And yea, I was feeling so down I was tempted to say I cant go for the dinner but I pressed on! So we go to Bukit Timah and ate and then twin and I took 157 to JP before aking 172 back. LOL. I needed the ride. Emo on the bus. My hobby! Went home, felt exhausted.
Since I saw them. It was like all my energy was sucked out of me. I didnt feel like doing anything, going anywhere, talking to anyone and I just felt EXHAUSTED. I just wanted to lie down and sleep. Find solace and comfort in dreams. But I reach home and realise, I cant sleep. I cant. I'm feeling so empty and really drained.
Today.
Went to church early in the morning. I really didnt know what to wear. Usually I'd throw on anything and just go but yea, after knowing you, I cant seem to dress sloppily. Because "I think its important for girls to dress themselves up." Right? Whatever. So finally found something to wear. Then went off to church. Got there late, twin was even later. But Aunty Ida said the sweetest thing to me so cheered me up a little (: So the day goes on. Met Chungyan OMG We've known each other since we were Nursery 2 okay?! So it's like a decade and more of friends (: LOVE YOU ALOTS GIRL! Attended mass then was supposed to meet KS at Lot 1 to buy some things but told him I couldn't make it in the end. Just dont feel like meeting him. He just replied "Ok." LOL. Poor fella. Played netball. Shall not say much. Just hope both parties cool down and take it easy first. let me be KPO and play middle WOman XD Went to Grandma's house to eat (: That's about my day I guess.
I DONT WANT TO GO OUT WITH PEOPLE I DONT WANT TO. I'M NOT INTERESTED!
Hmmm, will guys stop looking at the surface only? 3 guys said I look good in the dress. I mean it's good to hear but it sort of brings back what PY's brother said about me. LOL. It's disturbing. I love the dress. REALLY. It rocks.
SONG TIME
It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance I promise to never mess it up again
Just a sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said
It's a cruel thing you'll never know all the ways I tried
It's a hard thing faking a smile when I feel like I'm falling apart inside
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said
And you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
For the first time, there is no mercy in your eyes
And the cold wind is hitting my face and you're gone
And you're walking away
And I am helpless, sometimes
Wishing's just no good
Cause you don't see me like I wish you would
Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you have always keep passing me by
But you never were, and you never will be mine
I saw you at the station
You had your arm around what's her name
She had on that scarf I gave you
and you got down to tie her laces
Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
(You looked happy and that's great)
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
(I just miss you, that's all)
Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you have always keep passing me by
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you always keep passing me by
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
How apt, how true. You never were and you never will be mine. That, I've come to accept. That's what you get when you let your heart win.
{ fin }
{ Saturday, March 29, 2008 }
Today's post I just wanna say a BIG thanks to SIEWYI darling (: I love you loads girl. I'll never have survived till now without you there to make me laugh like mad. I think we cant live without each other already. Without you I'll surely sink into depression and probably die XD I'm so thankful to have you in my life okay? (: Really, cant express how much I appreciate you as a best emo-sing song-depressed-microphonic-laughing-retarded buddy XD HAHAHAHA. We really experienced all emotions today huh!!
For everything else, let the pictures do the talking first. Can see how we from happy to sad to emo to depressed? LOL.
The little things you do to me are taking me over. You never were and you never will be mine. A yearning so deep it cuts through the bone =\
{ fin }
{ Friday, March 28, 2008 }
Haha, I read your blog. I gave in. Somehow it seems like I'm blocking it out (: Which is GREAT for now. Because I'm refusing to drop into depression and refusing to allow you to affect any part of the progress I've made.
I'm stronger than I thought I'd be.
KS asked me out for a movie last night. Hmmmmm, and I agreed to go. Like I say, I'd rather be out there doing something rather than being at home. So yes, I'm watching step up 2 TONIGHT. At Lot 1. HAHA. KS is gonna buy the tickets and we're gonna watch. Should be fun.
I cannot wait for school to start. I really cant. Because I'd like to feel like I'm actually doing something useful again. Mmmhmm, I guess for the past 1 plus plus month I've been wasting away. Wallowing in self pity and stuff. I feel alive again and I was high last night I couldn't sleep for hours XD I like my life now. I've found the right person to put at the centre of my life and I think with him I wont go wrong. GOD helps (: HAHA. I love him cos he's always listening to my crap, always there to help me in times of need. So yes, I wanna go back to the days where the only place I'd wanna hang out is church. Church and netball!!
So yea, tonight should be awkward. LOL. I mean, its not like we know each other for the longest time. I've only met him twice. Okay, then we sms-ed like 100 times. And no, he starts the conversations not me. I just reply to his msgs. And he's the one who ends them too. But yes, without fail since he got my number I recieve a msg from him every morning saying goodmorning and asking if I'm awake already or not and then we continue until late at night when he suddenly doesnt reply. Interesting huh. Too bad. I'VE GOT NO SPACE!
I'm accepting it and learning to live with it. Eaither that or I'm just blocking everything out. Like I said. I'm numb. I really am. I dont feel anything. I only feel hungry. CONSTANTLY hungry. HAHA. I'm back to eating like a hell load of things. but yea, like I said. High on demand. Another straightforward approach. I tell him "You can try but I wont guarantee anything." HAHA. Already said I dont have space. Not now anyway.
So here you are now, nowhere to turn
It’s just the same old yesterday
You made a promise to yourself
That you were never gonna be this way
And the only thing that you’ve ever known is to run
So you keep on drivin’ faster into the sun
But everybody needs somebody sometimes
Yeah everybody needs somebody sometimes
You don’t have to find your own way out
You’ve got a voice let it be heard
Just when it feels you’re on a dead-end road
There’s always somewhere left to turn
So don’t give up now you’re so close to a brand new day
Yes you are
And if you just can’t bare to be alone then I’ll stay
‘Cause everybody needs somebody sometimes
Yeah everybody needs somebody sometimes
Well maybe I’ve been too caught up
To see what you’ve been goin’ through
All that I can say is I’m here now
And everybody needs somebody sometimes
You know they do
Everybody needs somebody sometimes
Everybody needs somebody sometimes
Everybody needs somebody sometimes
Everybody needs somebody sometimes
Just a song that gave me ALOT of encouragement when I listen to it (: Dont give up now, you're so close to a brand new day! (: How nice is that?! Everybody needs somebody sometimes.
All in all, we all need each other at one point of time or another. I love my friends (: Think I have the best-est friends in the world. To all friends, I love you!
I'm stronger than I thought I'd be.
KS asked me out for a movie last night. Hmmmmm, and I agreed to go. Like I say, I'd rather be out there doing something rather than being at home. So yes, I'm watching step up 2 TONIGHT. At Lot 1. HAHA. KS is gonna buy the tickets and we're gonna watch. Should be fun.
I cannot wait for school to start. I really cant. Because I'd like to feel like I'm actually doing something useful again. Mmmhmm, I guess for the past 1 plus plus month I've been wasting away. Wallowing in self pity and stuff. I feel alive again and I was high last night I couldn't sleep for hours XD I like my life now. I've found the right person to put at the centre of my life and I think with him I wont go wrong. GOD helps (: HAHA. I love him cos he's always listening to my crap, always there to help me in times of need. So yes, I wanna go back to the days where the only place I'd wanna hang out is church. Church and netball!!
So yea, tonight should be awkward. LOL. I mean, its not like we know each other for the longest time. I've only met him twice. Okay, then we sms-ed like 100 times. And no, he starts the conversations not me. I just reply to his msgs. And he's the one who ends them too. But yes, without fail since he got my number I recieve a msg from him every morning saying goodmorning and asking if I'm awake already or not and then we continue until late at night when he suddenly doesnt reply. Interesting huh. Too bad. I'VE GOT NO SPACE!
I'm accepting it and learning to live with it. Eaither that or I'm just blocking everything out. Like I said. I'm numb. I really am. I dont feel anything. I only feel hungry. CONSTANTLY hungry. HAHA. I'm back to eating like a hell load of things. but yea, like I said. High on demand. Another straightforward approach. I tell him "You can try but I wont guarantee anything." HAHA. Already said I dont have space. Not now anyway.
So here you are now, nowhere to turn
It’s just the same old yesterday
You made a promise to yourself
That you were never gonna be this way
And the only thing that you’ve ever known is to run
So you keep on drivin’ faster into the sun
But everybody needs somebody sometimes
Yeah everybody needs somebody sometimes
You don’t have to find your own way out
You’ve got a voice let it be heard
Just when it feels you’re on a dead-end road
There’s always somewhere left to turn
So don’t give up now you’re so close to a brand new day
Yes you are
And if you just can’t bare to be alone then I’ll stay
‘Cause everybody needs somebody sometimes
Yeah everybody needs somebody sometimes
Well maybe I’ve been too caught up
To see what you’ve been goin’ through
All that I can say is I’m here now
And everybody needs somebody sometimes
You know they do
Everybody needs somebody sometimes
Everybody needs somebody sometimes
Everybody needs somebody sometimes
Everybody needs somebody sometimes
Just a song that gave me ALOT of encouragement when I listen to it (: Dont give up now, you're so close to a brand new day! (: How nice is that?! Everybody needs somebody sometimes.
All in all, we all need each other at one point of time or another. I love my friends (: Think I have the best-est friends in the world. To all friends, I love you!
{ fin }
{ }
A day's break is enough for me. For I feel like I've accomplished what I wanted to do and that's to piece my life back together. For starters, I went down to NP today to register for that orientaion camp for HMS students (: I'm still accepted! YAYNESS.I finally got off my lazy butt and did something that would be of benefit to my future. Way to go, Marianne Chan.
SECONDLY, I managed to figure out SIEWYI's blogskin problem. It was having freckles XD Lame eh. Okay, yea, it's just layout vs template (: I solved it and got her blog up and running! And in return you go to her blog's credits and you'll see my BIG FAT name up there with a wonderful description of me below my name XD Thanks darling, it's my pleasure helping you. You are loved ALOT ALOT too okay? hahaha.
Goodbye to Chikezee or however you spell that name on American Idol. He's never left an impression on me anyways. OH MAN, David Cooks Billie Jean really rocked! XD I so love him.
Yes, I wonder why people only get high on demand when they're out of love. LOL.
I have one person asking me out for dinner tomorrow night and another asking me out for dinner on next thursday night. One on one dinners that I should turn down if not for the fact that it'll be fun and gets my mind off things. Hmmmmmmm. Depends on my mood. HAHA. Dont love me now, I've got no space!
So life's kind of okay right now. No, scrap that. Life's great! LG. hahah. It's amazing cos I'm honestly numb. Numb Numb Numb. I still think of the memories but I dont actually feel anything. Is that good or bad? Anyways, I'm gonna have a blast for my last week of holiday-ing XD I dont care.
OH yes, dont you just love the new blogskin? Tell you something. My mom and dad have blogs too! Just created today XD I shall not disclose the websites for its overly embarrassing. HAHA. It's so cute when they try things out. The whole of my blogskin was inspired by Jason Mraz. My dearest love of my life XD You and I both. His most famous song which isnt exactly his best song. So my blog right now is like a JMINC Jason Mraz Incoporated. XD A company? WTH. But yea, because you are an illuminating anchor was also inspired from his bella luna. Love it man.
Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me?
while things are gonna happen naturally
Oh, taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing.
Oh, but at often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright light turns to night
Oh, until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others only read of
Others only dream of, of the love
Of the love that I loved
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words;
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words.
More words than I had ever heard, and I feel so alive.
Oh,then you and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of (of, of)
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well, then I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
I'm finally deedeedeedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I am free
Oh, I'm free
And it's okay if you had to go away
Oh, just remember the telephones
well, they work in both ways
But if I never ever hear it ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of (of, of)
And others just read of and if you could see me now
Well, then I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out ofI'm finally deedeedeedeedeede
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Out of words
Finally letting go (: He writes the most amazing lyrics.
SECONDLY, I managed to figure out SIEWYI's blogskin problem. It was having freckles XD Lame eh. Okay, yea, it's just layout vs template (: I solved it and got her blog up and running! And in return you go to her blog's credits and you'll see my BIG FAT name up there with a wonderful description of me below my name XD Thanks darling, it's my pleasure helping you. You are loved ALOT ALOT too okay? hahaha.
Goodbye to Chikezee or however you spell that name on American Idol. He's never left an impression on me anyways. OH MAN, David Cooks Billie Jean really rocked! XD I so love him.
Yes, I wonder why people only get high on demand when they're out of love. LOL.
I have one person asking me out for dinner tomorrow night and another asking me out for dinner on next thursday night. One on one dinners that I should turn down if not for the fact that it'll be fun and gets my mind off things. Hmmmmmmm. Depends on my mood. HAHA. Dont love me now, I've got no space!
So life's kind of okay right now. No, scrap that. Life's great! LG. hahah. It's amazing cos I'm honestly numb. Numb Numb Numb. I still think of the memories but I dont actually feel anything. Is that good or bad? Anyways, I'm gonna have a blast for my last week of holiday-ing XD I dont care.
OH yes, dont you just love the new blogskin? Tell you something. My mom and dad have blogs too! Just created today XD I shall not disclose the websites for its overly embarrassing. HAHA. It's so cute when they try things out. The whole of my blogskin was inspired by Jason Mraz. My dearest love of my life XD You and I both. His most famous song which isnt exactly his best song. So my blog right now is like a JMINC Jason Mraz Incoporated. XD A company? WTH. But yea, because you are an illuminating anchor was also inspired from his bella luna. Love it man.
Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me?
while things are gonna happen naturally
Oh, taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing.
Oh, but at often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright light turns to night
Oh, until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others only read of
Others only dream of, of the love
Of the love that I loved
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words;
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words.
More words than I had ever heard, and I feel so alive.
Oh,then you and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of (of, of)
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well, then I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
I'm finally deedeedeedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I am free
Oh, I'm free
And it's okay if you had to go away
Oh, just remember the telephones
well, they work in both ways
But if I never ever hear it ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of (of, of)
And others just read of and if you could see me now
Well, then I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out ofI'm finally deedeedeedeedeede
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Out of words
Finally letting go (: He writes the most amazing lyrics.
{ fin }
{ Wednesday, March 26, 2008 }
Pathetic. It's freaking pathetic. But at least now I know.
Perhaps its time to focus on things that really matter instead of wallowing in self pity.
Marianne is coming back soon. Watch out.
I'm gonna pick myself up. I'm gonna move on. I've lived well before you, I believe I can learn to live without you. So one last goodbye for we will move on. I will. Or rather I must.
So, new life starts right about now! :D
If only my brain were a computer. I can delete things! LOL. Well, I'm gonna dissappear from here for a while. Just because I need a break. I will NOT read your blog anymore. Not for now anyways.
Probably it's because I miss my life. I want my life back. So I am gonna hand in that camp form tomorrow. I am going for that camp.
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
So one last goodbye to yibing (: I've got this ice box where my heart used to be.
Perhaps its time to focus on things that really matter instead of wallowing in self pity.
Marianne is coming back soon. Watch out.
I'm gonna pick myself up. I'm gonna move on. I've lived well before you, I believe I can learn to live without you. So one last goodbye for we will move on. I will. Or rather I must.
So, new life starts right about now! :D
If only my brain were a computer. I can delete things! LOL. Well, I'm gonna dissappear from here for a while. Just because I need a break. I will NOT read your blog anymore. Not for now anyways.
Probably it's because I miss my life. I want my life back. So I am gonna hand in that camp form tomorrow. I am going for that camp.
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
So one last goodbye to yibing (: I've got this ice box where my heart used to be.
{ fin }
{ Tuesday, March 25, 2008 }
You came online last night. You made a mistake. And so I made a mistake.
You put your blog address that you refused to give to me as your personal nick. I saw it I admit. And I couldn't help it, I went and read it. Which was stupid of me I guess.
If that's the reason you left then I guess you left for no reason. There was no one else besides you. You were the only thing on my mind. THE ONLY ONE! You were the only on my mind constantly. You were the only person I talked about. My whole freaking life revolved around you. Any spare time I had I wanted it to be spent with you. Even if I didn't have time I'd make time for you. I put you at the centre of my life. THE CENTRE. I wanted so badly for us to last. Perhaps itsindefinite answers. I dont know. But what I do know is that I love you more than I've loved anyone before. I just kept feeling like you wanted someone who could give you more. I wasn't sure if I was who you really wanted cos sometimes you make me feel like I'm not enough for you.
I broke down when I read your entry on 20th december. You said when you held my hand you decided you'd never let go. So why? Why did you let go in the end? You could have talked it through with me. Talk to me. Cos now it hurts even more badly. You couldn't sleep last night neither could I. I was up all night listening to my mp3 crying. I know I've shed lots of tears already. And each time I tell myself I'd stop. But really, some tears never dry. You're feeling empty so am I. I've felt empty since the day you left. You left me. Everything we had, you threw it away because you assumed? You assumed there was someone else on my mind? You knew I was new to it. I had alot on my mind, yea. But it was never about anyone else. I had deep thought and it was all about you. Its ALL about you. Which part did you not understand? I mean, I thought I proved to you a million times how much you meant to me. You were my everything and you still are.
Like why the hell did you do that? Now I dont know if I should try. Because of all the uncertainties. I want us back. I really do. Problem is I'm almost so sure that you'd never take me back. But I need to know. I cannot live with the possibility that if I'd asked you'd come back. I'm pretty sure you dont read my blog anymore. That's fine. Its just so freaking painful. It really is. I want you but I feel like I'm not enough for you. I love you but I know I cant keep you.
I put everything into the relationship we had. LikeI said, you're the centre. Everything revolved around you. I'd wake up and look at the clothes I have and think what should I wear just to make you happy. Tuesdays and thursdays you were free. We'd go for dinner. You used to send me home. Then you stopped and that's okay. I still love you. I neglected my family, my friends, my home. You were the only thing that mattered to me. And you still are. Which sucks. I dont know why you didnt tell me this. Now it's all f-ed up.
If I have the courage and strength in me today, I'll try. I know the answer but still, I cant live thinking that we could've been better.
You put your blog address that you refused to give to me as your personal nick. I saw it I admit. And I couldn't help it, I went and read it. Which was stupid of me I guess.
If that's the reason you left then I guess you left for no reason. There was no one else besides you. You were the only thing on my mind. THE ONLY ONE! You were the only on my mind constantly. You were the only person I talked about. My whole freaking life revolved around you. Any spare time I had I wanted it to be spent with you. Even if I didn't have time I'd make time for you. I put you at the centre of my life. THE CENTRE. I wanted so badly for us to last. Perhaps itsindefinite answers. I dont know. But what I do know is that I love you more than I've loved anyone before. I just kept feeling like you wanted someone who could give you more. I wasn't sure if I was who you really wanted cos sometimes you make me feel like I'm not enough for you.
I broke down when I read your entry on 20th december. You said when you held my hand you decided you'd never let go. So why? Why did you let go in the end? You could have talked it through with me. Talk to me. Cos now it hurts even more badly. You couldn't sleep last night neither could I. I was up all night listening to my mp3 crying. I know I've shed lots of tears already. And each time I tell myself I'd stop. But really, some tears never dry. You're feeling empty so am I. I've felt empty since the day you left. You left me. Everything we had, you threw it away because you assumed? You assumed there was someone else on my mind? You knew I was new to it. I had alot on my mind, yea. But it was never about anyone else. I had deep thought and it was all about you. Its ALL about you. Which part did you not understand? I mean, I thought I proved to you a million times how much you meant to me. You were my everything and you still are.
Like why the hell did you do that? Now I dont know if I should try. Because of all the uncertainties. I want us back. I really do. Problem is I'm almost so sure that you'd never take me back. But I need to know. I cannot live with the possibility that if I'd asked you'd come back. I'm pretty sure you dont read my blog anymore. That's fine. Its just so freaking painful. It really is. I want you but I feel like I'm not enough for you. I love you but I know I cant keep you.
I put everything into the relationship we had. LikeI said, you're the centre. Everything revolved around you. I'd wake up and look at the clothes I have and think what should I wear just to make you happy. Tuesdays and thursdays you were free. We'd go for dinner. You used to send me home. Then you stopped and that's okay. I still love you. I neglected my family, my friends, my home. You were the only thing that mattered to me. And you still are. Which sucks. I dont know why you didnt tell me this. Now it's all f-ed up.
If I have the courage and strength in me today, I'll try. I know the answer but still, I cant live thinking that we could've been better.
{ fin }
{ Monday, March 24, 2008 }
There's so much I wanna write but the words just dont seem to come today. I'm supposed to go down to NP to hand in some forms today but I dont feel like leaving the house. After all, isn't Ngee Ann full of memories too? That's where Geraldina and Edmund found out about you and twin too. I really dont know what to say. It's like some days it just doesnt feel like you're affecting me in any way and then it hits me so badly that I just feel like I cant carry on.
This morning has been intense. Perhaps I've been hiding it, pushing everything aside. But this morning, I'm watching MTV and crying my eyeballs out. Isn't that fun. It sucks though. It didnt really feel that bad while playing netball yesterday. But this morning everything goes wrong huh. So I really dont know anymore.
After all, from the moment that we met my world was turned around. Upside down. I mean how screwed can a person get when I've quit maybank as early as possible so I wont have to see you anymore but while I'm at home I'm constantly thinking of what you're doing in the office. And well, I happen to have good imagination so I come up with alot of things in my mind. Anyway, it just feels like I'm fighting to keep out of dropping into depression. Like something's missing in my life. Like what I said, its like I'm just an empty casing. I look fine on the surface but inside its the most broken thing you'd ever find. I just dont really know how to put it right now.
Questions in my head,
Things left unexplained.
Answers seem to fade,
Into nothingness, pained.
What I thought I'd never be
You've made me see.
I changed for you
Yet you left me bruised
Seeking answers, I find none.
How could you have been so numb?
Perhaps its something that you do.
Maybe its not what you planned too.
Tell me why it hurts so much?
When all we did was felt and touched.
"And I feel as if I am looking at the world from the bottom of a well. Lonely and the only way to beat it is to bat it down. Oh, all the days that I have run, I sought to lose that cloud that's blacking out the sun. My train will come, some one day soon. And when it comes I'll ride it bound from night to noon. Aimless days, uncool ways of decathecting. Painless phase, blacked out thoughts you be rejecting."
I'm only a woman
of flesh and bone
and i wept much
we all do. i thought i might die alone
but i had never met you
so baby be good to me.
i got nothin to give you, you see
except everything, everything, everything, everything.
all the good and the bad. cause i've been bad.
i've lied, cheated, stolen,
and been ungrateful for what i have
and i'm afraid habits rule my wake in life
and i'm scared
and i'm runnin in my sleep for you.
but all the oceans, and rivers and showers
will wash it all away and make me clean for you.
cause i have never met you.
so lets take a loan and put it down
on a house in a place we've never lived
in a place that exists
in the pages of scripts and in songs that they sing
and all the beautiful things
that can make you weep but don't have to make you weak
cause i never love somebody
the way that i loved you.
Should I just give up or should I just keep chasing pavements? Even if it leads nowhere.
This morning has been intense. Perhaps I've been hiding it, pushing everything aside. But this morning, I'm watching MTV and crying my eyeballs out. Isn't that fun. It sucks though. It didnt really feel that bad while playing netball yesterday. But this morning everything goes wrong huh. So I really dont know anymore.
After all, from the moment that we met my world was turned around. Upside down. I mean how screwed can a person get when I've quit maybank as early as possible so I wont have to see you anymore but while I'm at home I'm constantly thinking of what you're doing in the office. And well, I happen to have good imagination so I come up with alot of things in my mind. Anyway, it just feels like I'm fighting to keep out of dropping into depression. Like something's missing in my life. Like what I said, its like I'm just an empty casing. I look fine on the surface but inside its the most broken thing you'd ever find. I just dont really know how to put it right now.
Questions in my head,
Things left unexplained.
Answers seem to fade,
Into nothingness, pained.
What I thought I'd never be
You've made me see.
I changed for you
Yet you left me bruised
Seeking answers, I find none.
How could you have been so numb?
Perhaps its something that you do.
Maybe its not what you planned too.
Tell me why it hurts so much?
When all we did was felt and touched.
"And I feel as if I am looking at the world from the bottom of a well. Lonely and the only way to beat it is to bat it down. Oh, all the days that I have run, I sought to lose that cloud that's blacking out the sun. My train will come, some one day soon. And when it comes I'll ride it bound from night to noon. Aimless days, uncool ways of decathecting. Painless phase, blacked out thoughts you be rejecting."
I'm only a woman
of flesh and bone
and i wept much
we all do. i thought i might die alone
but i had never met you
so baby be good to me.
i got nothin to give you, you see
except everything, everything, everything, everything.
all the good and the bad. cause i've been bad.
i've lied, cheated, stolen,
and been ungrateful for what i have
and i'm afraid habits rule my wake in life
and i'm scared
and i'm runnin in my sleep for you.
but all the oceans, and rivers and showers
will wash it all away and make me clean for you.
cause i have never met you.
so lets take a loan and put it down
on a house in a place we've never lived
in a place that exists
in the pages of scripts and in songs that they sing
and all the beautiful things
that can make you weep but don't have to make you weak
cause i never love somebody
the way that i loved you.
Should I just give up or should I just keep chasing pavements? Even if it leads nowhere.
{ fin }
{ Sunday, March 23, 2008 }
Netball today (: Okay, woke up and went to church in the morning. Made in time for 9am mass so yea! Loved it! I mean come on, all the angelic voices of the kids. Gotta love right? LOL.
Went for breakfast with twin and gerry. HAHA. Wan Ton noodles man, rock on! Anyways, so went home, skipped lunch because breakfast was sooooo late XD Ended up sleeping and landed late at the netball court . So we play and my flesh comes off because I'm the clever-est person on earth and played netball bare footed AGAIN. This time had to do dodges so the flesh came off damn easily XD But not too bad. NETBALL ROCKS and at least I dont think things when I'm playing netball. HAHA.
So yea, after that got to my grandma's house and talked to SIEWYI on the phone! LOL. Oh mans, we so depressed together luh. Think we're really alien twins in our previous life. From pluto! HAHAHAHAHAH! OMG, my brain is malfunctioning and my heart is fragmenting huh. LOL.
I think all depressed people should unite! We'll have so much fun together XD PLUS all my wonderful sound effects XD Awwwww, Ohhhhhh, Arghhhhhh. HAHA. Shit, I think I really do have a talent in sound making XD
So perhaps its me or I dont know but is everyone around me falling in love? So why am I left out on all the good stuff? Maybe its because I've dug myself the deepest hole, crawled in and allowed myself to die there. Or perhaps its because I'm out of it that I take more notice to those who have it. I mean, it's not always easy to know what you have when you have it. And I miss you like mad. Every thought hurts. We havent been contacting each other. In a way its damn good because it doesnt mess me up but yea. I miss you like mad. Stupid of me but yea, its true.
Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
Now look at me
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)
I've tried to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know
That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
No no
Wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go (without you)
Though everything's been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you)
But still no (still no word) word from you
Cant get used to life without you =\
Went for breakfast with twin and gerry. HAHA. Wan Ton noodles man, rock on! Anyways, so went home, skipped lunch because breakfast was sooooo late XD Ended up sleeping and landed late at the netball court . So we play and my flesh comes off because I'm the clever-est person on earth and played netball bare footed AGAIN. This time had to do dodges so the flesh came off damn easily XD But not too bad. NETBALL ROCKS and at least I dont think things when I'm playing netball. HAHA.
So yea, after that got to my grandma's house and talked to SIEWYI on the phone! LOL. Oh mans, we so depressed together luh. Think we're really alien twins in our previous life. From pluto! HAHAHAHAHAH! OMG, my brain is malfunctioning and my heart is fragmenting huh. LOL.
I think all depressed people should unite! We'll have so much fun together XD PLUS all my wonderful sound effects XD Awwwww, Ohhhhhh, Arghhhhhh. HAHA. Shit, I think I really do have a talent in sound making XD
So perhaps its me or I dont know but is everyone around me falling in love? So why am I left out on all the good stuff? Maybe its because I've dug myself the deepest hole, crawled in and allowed myself to die there. Or perhaps its because I'm out of it that I take more notice to those who have it. I mean, it's not always easy to know what you have when you have it. And I miss you like mad. Every thought hurts. We havent been contacting each other. In a way its damn good because it doesnt mess me up but yea. I miss you like mad. Stupid of me but yea, its true.
Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
Now look at me
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)
I've tried to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know
That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
No no
Wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go (without you)
Though everything's been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you)
But still no (still no word) word from you
Cant get used to life without you =\
{ fin }
{ Saturday, March 22, 2008 }
I have started drawing again. I said to myself when I bought the sketchbook that I'll make one piece for everyone who's changed my life in a BIG way. And I said that each person would only get ONE.
Well, you broke the record cos I've sub consciously created 2 art pieces for you. Which sucks. I'd be lying if I said I dont miss you because I do. We've decided to totally lose contact once again. I sort of came across something on friendster that I'm not really happy with but hey, what can I do? You're not mine anymore or rather, you were never mine. Anyways, things just had to go this way huh.
You're first present to me. It still has ink, it's still a little dirty and it still reminds me of you.
You're last present to me. Physical anyways. The necklace from couple lab.
Margarita that twin bought me when I was depressed about you. And the wire from my laptop which I twisted unknowingly to form an 'I'.
So my mom just opened the swiss chocolate you bought for me together with the necklace during christmas. XD I'm keeping the box. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? I'm mad.
Anyways, what did I give you? Famous Amos cookies in a heart shaped box. A self-made photo frame. A wallet. Gummies. Maltesers. And about 50 hand-written notes telling you how much I felt for you. And if you did stay overnight at my place on 14th Jan, everything.
"Hey, just reached office. Thanks for everything. Dont really have to buy actually but anw thanks for all you've done for me. Hope you find someone who really loves you more than I do. And you'll find your happiness. Most of all, turn straight! You're a nice girl, thank you for loving me, thak you for the memories. I'll miss you. Study hard uh. Once again, thank you. I really appreciate what you've done :) take care."
{ fin }