You came online last night. You made a mistake. And so I made a mistake.
You put your blog address that you refused to give to me as your personal nick. I saw it I admit. And I couldn't help it, I went and read it. Which was stupid of me I guess.
If that's the reason you left then I guess you left for no reason. There was no one else besides you. You were the only thing on my mind. THE ONLY ONE! You were the only on my mind constantly. You were the only person I talked about. My whole freaking life revolved around you. Any spare time I had I wanted it to be spent with you. Even if I didn't have time I'd make time for you. I put you at the centre of my life. THE CENTRE. I wanted so badly for us to last. Perhaps itsindefinite answers. I dont know. But what I do know is that I love you more than I've loved anyone before. I just kept feeling like you wanted someone who could give you more. I wasn't sure if I was who you really wanted cos sometimes you make me feel like I'm not enough for you.
I broke down when I read your entry on 20th december. You said when you held my hand you decided you'd never let go. So why? Why did you let go in the end? You could have talked it through with me. Talk to me. Cos now it hurts even more badly. You couldn't sleep last night neither could I. I was up all night listening to my mp3 crying. I know I've shed lots of tears already. And each time I tell myself I'd stop. But really, some tears never dry. You're feeling empty so am I. I've felt empty since the day you left. You left me. Everything we had, you threw it away because you assumed? You assumed there was someone else on my mind? You knew I was new to it. I had alot on my mind, yea. But it was never about anyone else. I had deep thought and it was all about you. Its ALL about you. Which part did you not understand? I mean, I thought I proved to you a million times how much you meant to me. You were my everything and you still are.
Like why the hell did you do that? Now I dont know if I should try. Because of all the uncertainties. I want us back. I really do. Problem is I'm almost so sure that you'd never take me back. But I need to know. I cannot live with the possibility that if I'd asked you'd come back. I'm pretty sure you dont read my blog anymore. That's fine. Its just so freaking painful. It really is. I want you but I feel like I'm not enough for you. I love you but I know I cant keep you.
I put everything into the relationship we had. LikeI said, you're the centre. Everything revolved around you. I'd wake up and look at the clothes I have and think what should I wear just to make you happy. Tuesdays and thursdays you were free. We'd go for dinner. You used to send me home. Then you stopped and that's okay. I still love you. I neglected my family, my friends, my home. You were the only thing that mattered to me. And you still are. Which sucks. I dont know why you didnt tell me this. Now it's all f-ed up.
If I have the courage and strength in me today, I'll try. I know the answer but still, I cant live thinking that we could've been better.