So what? Is it too demanding to ask for the very person who loves me enough to put up with my friends? Is it too much to ask of someone who might be my life partner to just be there because I want him there? Like its easy for me to actually sit around while his friends talk and smoke and all but I don't mind because I love being around him, being with him. Meeting the people who he hangs out with, meeting the people who make him who he is. Who brings out another side of him. I wanna know if I'm asking too much. Is it? Are my friends that horrid? Am I not enough?
Ugh, melancholy, fine. You win. You fucking win.
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I think there’s things about this relationship I’ll never let go.
And I know that if it ever ends, I’ll never be able to watch movies without thinking of him. Never be able to see motorbikes go by and not think of him. Never be able to sleep without thinking about his leather jacket.
Haha, okay morbid. But seriously, so bloody many memories. I think I’m just worried. We’ve created so many happy memories together, I’m just afraid because its like creating more tangled webs that connects me to him and if anything goes wrong and we go separate ways I’m just gonna die from all these happy moments.
Ahhh, omg. Midnight melancholy TSK.
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I had to blog about this.
Going out with Shaiz and his family was pretty awesome (: Haha,we went to watch Ghost Rider at Lot 1 and then took a car ride to West Coast Ayer Rajah Coffee Shop to eat indian food where we talked about things and they laughed at how I couldn't finish my food. How his brother was okay with me being his playmate hahaha. Then a car ride home where they sent me all the way to my block and asked Shaiz to walk me to the lift (: Haha, its like a new family. And its not even awkward! Its like I've known them forever haha.
Yes, I love that his family doesn't mind me tagging along. Hahah :D
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Seriously, my heart is hurting watch season 3 of The L Word again. Dana dying and all of them being together. Ugh. All this feelings I cannot handle. Plus, I miss Shaiz. So very much. 3 more days till I see him again.
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Thinking about the whole marriage thing again. Fucked up. It's not that I wanna get married soon, its just the probability of it happening some day in the future and then realising that hey, there's no way its gonna happen so we're just living in a delusion right now. Fuck, I should be asleep. Haha awesome.
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Its the same scene again.
Where I watch while you walk further and further away. I can't see if you're crying or not but you keep walking, till you're out of sight and then darkness. Total and complete darkness. And when I wake again, there's a hole in my chest and this unexplained intolerable pain. I try to speak but no words come out, not even sounds.
And there's absolutely no one around. And I start to realise, I'm completely alone.
Why the fuck is this going on.
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I think I've always wanted friendships that warms my heart. The kind that I can talk to and not feel frustrated at all. A group that I can just be myself and not keep feeling like I'm the odd one out.
I don't know how I survive for so long being this way. People think I'm this person who's a social butterfly. I'm not. I'm socially awkward, I don't know how to start conversations and continue conversations. But I think most of all, I always feel like I don't fit in. Somehow in some sort of cosmic worldly equation I manage to find myself as the odd number, the one number that sticks out. I don't think I'll ever find a place in the world where I'd feel like I completely belong but its okay.
I think it makes me who I am. Makes me okay with being alone, staring at the sky or the ground, having internal conversations in my mind. I'm not saying I like it because it makes human interactions difficult for me, it makes having relationships hard for me. Most times I can't put into words what I'm feeling or I just cannot explain to anyone else what I'm thinking or feeling and that just fucks up alot of my life.
Okay, I think I just really wonder why I never belong anywhere but by myself. Haha Can't help that I'm weird.
Enough ranting (:
Should start creating again.
{ fin }