I'm back and I'll probably be blogging more here because it's a safer space? Nobody reads it anymore and I sure as hell hope YOU are not reading this. If you are, please close it. You will not want to read what I'm writing here.

I think the last post I wrote about a connection I felt and 7 months later, I never would have thought that I'd be exploring this connection.

J has been amazing. I can't out my finger on it but everything clicks. What we like, what we listen to, what we feel. I dare say the christmas party connection was mutual and not only me. I think it's pretty amazing how much we've found out about each other from just 2 dates. And I can't wait for more. Ant Man, Singing in the rain, etc. SO EXCITING.

We had an amazing conversation last night. He watched my 'I'm not yours' video and loved it. And wow that was one hell of a compliment. Plus J called me cute like a million times.

I don't really wanna admit it, but I am falling for him.

#justsaying

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As we ushered in the 2015, I felt a mixture of feelings. Feelings of sadness, feelings of joy, feelings of confusion an feelings of fear.

2014 has been an amazing year with everything going on in my life, its a wonder how I can still feel unhappy about it. I have the love story of a lifetime to tell. I've become a better friend in 2014. I have been challenged and faced up to those challenges with grace and maturity. And yet, I am unhappy.

Unhappy because I know what 2015 brings. Heart break. I know 2015 is going to be a year where I will be broken into a million pieces and only then will I be able to start reparation of myself.

I've experienced, for the first time in my life, what it feels like to be a cheater. Albeit not committing the crime itself, I came close to it. Feeling a connection and closeness so strong it confused me and threw me off guard. And knowing that if it had not been for the fact that I was attached, I would have fallen. Quickly and surely as I always do.

And that is the problem.

This is why I start 2015 with a heavy heart. A heart preparing itself for self-destruction. A heart preparing itself for isolation, for numbing and a heart that has to understand that it has broken another person. That things will end and it will be inevitable.

Thank you 2014 for the lessons learned, the experiences shared, the many pleasures I have been blessed with.

Heart, this is going to be a tough year but in the end, we always survive.

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I don't think many people get the chance to feel what its like to find someone.

Someone who is fervently in love with everything that you are.

Someone you are fervently in love with as well.

Someone who loves you despite all your flaws and outbursts.

Someone who knows your every move.

I am lucky to have that person. Even if it is for the moment. So stop telling me that we are crazy for doing this because you don't know what its like to be truly in love.

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Even dreaming hurts. Dreaming about you with another girl hurts like hell. The thought of someone else getting your affection when it should be me hurts.

Today's the first time I woke up crying and I know its not going to stop here.

I don't know how long we have to go on like this but everyday it just kills me a little bit. Soon I'll just be gone.

I'm tired baby. I need to hear your voice I need to see your face. I need you.

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Back from the dead and thinking about becoming a student again (: Heheeh, I'm excited even thinking about it. So far only courses that interest me are those dealing in either English/English Lit or Social Work. Yes, social work AGAIN. I don't know. Its just the appeal of reaching out, helping people.

OKAY. Time to disappear again. See you in 6 months HAHA

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Well I guess I am upset. But I don't want to say it because I know it'll come out wrong. It'll come across as bitchy.

But yeah, I am upset. Because I feel like the last thing on your mind sometimes. You say you need me but when it cones to meeting me, oh you're afraid there isn't enough rest. But with your friends oh you'll meet them even if its alrdy 9+pm and you've got work the next day its alright. You'll stay till 12am and still its okay. No worries about enough or not enough rest.

Yes, I am upset because I made an effort. I tried to get home asap. I took a cab so I could meet you and only to find out that no we weren't gonna meet. Amd about rest? I'm awake at 5am today and slept pretty late last night but still I didn't have 2nd doubts about meeting you because I miss you and I mean it. I miss you and I'll grab every chance I get to meet you. Even if it means lesser sleep, even if it means having to travel.

So is it wrong that I expect more only because I'm willing to give that much more?

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Today, I let my insecurities get the better of me. And its unacceptable and he should never be treated that way.

It was simple. Do I trust him? Yes with all my heart I trust him. What I don't trust is my ability to keep him attracted to me. What I fear is losing him to someone else.

Yes. I got worried because I hear that the girls play the games he play. Do the things he does and talk the way he talks. All of which I don't do. And so I got scared. Scared that he'd see that their more fun than I am. Scared that he'd see that I'm so much more boring than all the others.

That's why I hardly say a thing when I'm with Atiqah and all. I feel small around her. I feel boring around her. She lights up the room and I don't. She's easy to love and I'm not.

But no, to hell with these insecurities. Keep it together and do not let them show ever again.

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